Mother Superior Jumped the Gun

So a rabbi and my mother walk into a bar.

My mother has just announced that she and her rabbi are dating. Nobody is more surprised than I. Or my sisters. Or my grandmother. Or everybody who knows my mother.

I’m sure somebody knew about it, but I was completely in the dark. I have never heard my mother talk about him other than in a rabbinical context. She always had nice things to say about him but she is not the sort to say bad things about her rabbi anyway.

For anybody unfamiliar with arayot, there is nothing untoward about a person such as my mother dating a person such as her rabbi. His wife died several years ago. Her husband died 10 years ago. There are no halachic restrictions on their dating, hitting the sheets, shacking up or even being married. A rabbi is generally considered a good catch and more than a few mothers have been known to hit great lengths to have their daughters marry amongst the rabbanim.

We are all supposed to be married at a younger age and remain married until both partners die hand in hand of old age in their bed. But that does not always happen. It probably rarely happens. People live a lot longer than they did a few thousand years ago and not everybody can stick around as long as everybody else. My father was 59 years old when he died and my mother was only 53. She could theoretically live another 40 years and it is unrealistic to assume that she would remain unmarried for the rest of her life.

An interesting point here is that if they are to marry, when will this happen? Weddings are a pretty big deal in my family and right now everybody is talking about mine. I’m finally marrying. Everybody always puts the finally in there. Will my own mother’s wedding steal some of my spotlight? That’s probably not something most people think about.

Not that I mind. I like the idea of taking some of the focus off of me and letting everybody ask her a million questions every day. I have absolutely no objection if she wants to marry before me, after me or even on the same day. Though a double wedding with my own mother might be a little more than I can tolerate.

Of course, they are only dating. Talk of marriage might be premature. But people like my mother who are my mother’s age do not date lightly. To her mind the sole purpose of dating is to check the horse’s teeth before you buy it. I would be very surprised if she simply rides him around the stables a few times only to mount another steed.

Which brings us to sex. Are they getting any? I’ve no idea. But I am morbidly fascinated with the idea. My mother has been celibate for the last 10 years. To the best of my knowledge. She was something of a hellion in her younger days but she likes to pretend that was a lifetime ago. Given her frequently vocal disapproval of my loose morals it would be hypocritical of her to sleep around like a TV doctor.

What is it like to get some after a 10 year drought? I hope I never find out first hand. They say the longer you go without the easier it is to go without. I have found that the longer I go without the hornier I get and more willing I am to do things I just might regret later. Fortunately I’m recently engaged. This is probably the most sex I will ever have in my entire life. I am happy to report that I’m starting to walk funny. Everybody who has ever been married in the entire history of the world will tell you that there is far less sex after marriage. Entire movies, sitcoms, comedy routines revolve around this concept.

Should my future husband die far earlier than I do, I can’t say that I would ever be married again. But I can’t imagine I would deny myself the fleshly needs of human contact. It took me 31 years to find the first man I wanted to marry. How old would I be by the time I found the second? Or do you lower your standards with age? At 20 I had a very wide selection from which to choose. At 80 just finding a man who can breathe on his own is a plus.

My sisters and I are very happy for our mother. Her rabbi seems to be a nice enough man. My older sisters know him far better than I do and they approve. Our grandmother is more relieved than anything else. She thought her daughter was going to remain alone for the rest of her life.

It’s supposed to be a serious adjustment for children when one of their parents remarry. But we are all very much adults and our father has been gone for a long time. We have no fear of any man replacing him. We know that he was the love of our mother’s life and you certainly can’t accuse her of not observing a respectful mourning period. We also know that a companion for the rest of her life would be a positive thing and no future husband can ever make her forget about our father.

My future husband joked that at least she can’t have another child. That would just freak me out.