Mia’s Guide to Teenage Sex

They are told that they are not emotionally ready to have sex at 16. That is probably true. But I’ve known 40-year-olds who were not emotionally ready to have sex. So what is the best age to start having sex? That is entirely up to you. No arbitrary number can be chosen by governments, religions, schools, parents, friends, or even me. I am not going to say that age is just a number. The people who say that usually seem to prefer lower numbers. I cannot tell anybody when they should start having sex. I don’t think anybody can tell anybody when they can start having sex. That is up to the individual.

Full Frontal Nudity

I do not call myself a nudist or naturist or clothesfree lifestyle advocate or any of the accepted vernacular. I never use the terms they want me to use. I am antisemantic. But what really annoys the nudist community is my complete disregard for nudist organisations like AANR and TNS. I have never been a member and never will be. This alone means that I cannot be a real nudist according to the true believers. I do not bemoan their existence, and they do good things from time to time. They are a good resource for finding good beaches. But I do not think I should have to join some club to enjoy nature. Nature is free. Other than the fees you have to pay to get in. I do not want to pay money just to say I’m a card carrying member of some group. Especially when I’ve no pockets in which to carry the cards.


My new fully nude avatar.

It Took Off Into the Sky Leaving a Trail of Smoke Behind It

I don’t really understand the Christian obsession with virginity anyway. It seems to be based on the belief that God knocked up a virgin to make a demigod love child. I guess if you are a man and want to be like Jesus then you have to marry a virgin. But they really don’t like the suggestion that Jesus married anybody. It seems to me that if you want to be like Jesus then your mother has to be a virgin. Good luck with that.

The Muslim obsession with virginity makes a lot more sense. It is about power and control. Men can do what they want. Women cannot. It is completely sexist and rooted in a deeply inherent misogyny but it is easier to understand.

But that is why there is chocolate and vanilla. You believe in your rules and I will believe in mine. Fortunately, my rules don’t sentence me to an eternity in hell. Whoever eventually marries me is not getting a delicate, young unblossomed flower. I will be more like a drooping daisy by the time I’m wed. I rarely date anybody who is surprised by my lack of inexperience. I’m 31, I’ve had a few marriage proposals, I’ve dated polyandrously. It would be far more shocking if I were a dainty young thing.

Tainted Love

While partying, drinking, eating, singing I met up with a friend whom I used to date more than 2 years and 9 months ago. Not that I am keeping count. He was also partying, drinking, eating, singing. His group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers met up with my group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers and we all partied, drank, ate, sang together. The thing about life is that one thing almost always leads to another and so it did. I don’t want to get into any details but evil, sinful fornication was involved. Dirty, hot, sweaty, evil, sinful fornication. Body parts were aroused and put inside of each other. Repeatedly. Orgasms were contracted by all and fluids from some aroused body parts were thrust into other aroused body parts.

You think love is to pray
But I’m sorry
I don’t pray that way

Ed Cobb

How to Make a List

Kylie posted a list from the BBC of books they think everybody should read. They also claim that most people have only read 6. That seems a little pretentious to me but that’s the BBC for you. The list is also very anglocentric.

BBC List
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma -Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo



I prefer this list. It’s far more international and has more great literature than pop trends. They also don’t number it because only somebody with serious problems would put Da Vinci Code above Hamlet.

Norwegian Book Club’s 100 Best Books of All Time
Things Fall Apart – Chinua Achebe
Fairy tales – Hans Christian Andersen
Epic of Gilgamesh – Anonymous
Book of Job – Anonymous
Mahabharata – Vyasa
Njal's Saga – Anonymous
One Thousand and One Nights – Anonymous
Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
Le Père Goriot – Honoré de Balzac
Molloy, Malone Dies, The Unnamable, a trilogy – Samuel Beckett
The Decameron – Giovanni Boccaccio
Ficciones – Jorge Luis Borges
Wuthering Heights – Emily Brontë
The Stranger – Albert Camus
Poems – Paul Celan
Journey to the End of the Night – Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Don Quixote – Miguel de Cervantes
The Canterbury Tales – Geoffrey Chaucer
Stories – Anton Chekhov
Nostromo – Joseph Conrad
Divine Comedy – Dante Alighieri
Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
Jacques the Fatalist – Denis Diderot
Berlin Alexanderplatz – Alfred Döblin
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Possessed – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Brothers Karamazov – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Middlemarch – George Eliot
Invisible Man – Ralph Ellison
Medea – Euripides
Absalom, Absalom! – William Faulkner
The Sound and the Fury – William Faulkner
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
Sentimental Education – Gustave Flaubert
Gypsy Ballads – Federico García Lorca
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel García Márquez
Love in the Time of Cholera – Gabriel García Márquez
Goethe's Faust – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Dead Souls – Nikolai Gogol
The Tin Drum – Günter Grass
The Devil to Pay in the Backlands – João Guimarães Rosa
Hunger – Knut Hamsun
The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest Hemingway
Iliad – Homer
Odyssey – Homer
A Doll's House – Henrik Ibsen
Ulysses – James Joyce
Stories – Franz Kafka
The Trial – Franz Kafka
The Castle – Franz Kafka
Shakuntala – Kālidāsa
The Sound of the Mountain – Yasunari Kawabata
Zorba the Greek – Nikos Kazantzakis
Sons and Lovers – D. H. Lawrence
Independent People – Halldór Laxness
Poems – Giacomo Leopardi
The Golden Notebook – Doris Lessing
Pippi Longstocking – Astrid Lindgren
A Madman's Diary – Lu Xun
Children of Gebelawi – Naguib Mahfouz
Buddenbrooks – Thomas Mann
The Magic Mountain – Thomas Mann
Moby-Dick – Herman Melville
Essays – Michel de Montaigne
History – Elsa Morante
Beloved – Toni Morrison
The Tale of Genji – Murasaki Shikibu
The Man Without Qualities – Robert Musil
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
Nineteen Eighty-Four – George Orwell
Metamorphoses – Ovid
The Book of Disquiet – Fernando Pessoa
Tales – Edgar Allan Poe
Remembrance of Things Past – Marcel Proust
The Life of Gargantua and of Pantagruel – François Rabelais
Pedro Páramo – Juan Rulfo
Masnavi – Rumi
Midnight's Children – Salman Rushdie
Bostan – Saadi
Season of Migration to the North – Tayeb Salih
Blindness – José Saramago
Hamlet – William Shakespeare
King Lear – William Shakespeare
Othello – William Shakespeare
Oedipus the King – Sophocles
The Red and the Black – Stendhal
Tristram Shandy – Laurence Sterne
Confessions of Zeno – Italo Svevo
Gulliver's Travels – Jonathan Swift
War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
The Death of Ivan Ilyich – Leo Tolstoy
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain
Ramayana – Valmiki
Aeneid – Virgil
Leaves of Grass – Walt Whitman
Mrs Dalloway – Virginia Woolf
To the Lighthouse – Virginia Woolf
Memoirs of Hadrian – Marguerite Yourcenar



Then there is this list. Very French but it has some great books that the BBC thinks are worse than the Da Vinci Code.

Le Monde's 100 Books of the Century
1 The Stranger – Albert Camus
2 Remembrance of Things Past – Marcel Proust
3 The Trial – Franz Kafka
4 The Little Prince – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
5 Man’s Fate – André Malraux
6 Journey to the End of the Night – Louis-Ferdinand Céline
7 The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
8 For Whom the Bell Tolls – Ernest Hemingway
9 Le Grand Meaulnes – Alain-Fournier
10 Froth on the Daydream – Boris Vian
11 The Second Sex – Simone de Beauvoir
12 Waiting for Godot – Samuel Beckett
13 Being and Nothingness – Jean-Paul Sartre
14 The Name of the Rose – Umberto Eco
15 The Gulag Archipelago – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
16 Paroles – Jacques Prévert
17 Alcools – Guillaume Apollinaire
18 The Blue Lotus – Hergé
19 The Diary of a Young Girl – Anne Frank
20 Tristes Tropiques – Claude Lévi-Strauss
21 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
22 Nineteen Eighty-Four – George Orwell
23 Asterix the Gaul – René Goscinny and Albert Uderzo
24 The Bald Soprano – Eugène Ionesco
25 Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality – Sigmund Freud
26 The Abyss – Marguerite Yourcenar
27 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
28 Ulysses – James Joyce
29 The Tartar Steppe – Dino Buzzati
30 The Counterfeiters – André Gide
31 The Horseman on the Roof – Jean Giono
32 Belle du Seigneur – Albert Cohen
33 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel García Márquez
34 The Sound and the Fury – William Faulkner
35 Thérèse Desqueyroux – François Mauriac
36 Zazie in the Metro – Raymond Queneau
37 Confusion of Feelings – Stefan Zweig
38 Gone with the Wind – Margaret Mitchell
39 Lady Chatterley's Lover – D. H. Lawrence
40 The Magic Mountain – Thomas Mann
41 Bonjour Tristesse – Françoise Sagan
42 Le Silence de la mer – Vercors
43 Life: A User's Manual – Georges Perec
44 The Hound of the Baskervilles – Arthur Conan Doyle
45 Under the Sun of Satan – Georges Bernanos
46 The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
47 The Joke – Milan Kundera
48 A Ghost at Noon – Alberto Moravia
49 The Murder of Roger Ackroyd – Agatha Christie
50 Nadja – André Breton
51 Aurélien – Louis Aragon
52 The Satin Slipper – Paul Claudel
53 Six Characters in Search of an Author – Luigi Pirandello
54 The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui – Bertolt Brecht
55 Vendredi ou les Limbes du Pacifique – Michel Tournier
56 The War of the Worlds – H. G. Wells
57 If This Is a Man – Primo Levi
58 The Lord of the Rings – J. R. R. Tolkien
59 Les Vrilles de la vigne – Colette
60 Capitale de la douleur – Paul Éluard
61 Martin Eden – Jack London
62 Ballad of the Salt Sea – Hugo Pratt
63 Writing Degree Zero – Roland Barthes
64 The Lost Honour of Katharina Blum – Heinrich Böll
65 The Opposing Shore – Julien Gracq
66 The Order of Things – Michel Foucault
67 On the Road – Jack Kerouac
68 The Wonderful Adventures of Nils – Selma Lagerlöf
69 A Room of One's Own – Virginia Woolf
70 The Martian Chronicles – Ray Bradbury
71 The Ravishing of Lol Stein – Marguerite Duras
72 The Interrogation – J. M. G. Le Clézio
73 Tropisms – Nathalie Sarraute
74 Journal, 1887–1910 – Jules Renard
75 Lord Jim – Joseph Conrad
76 Écrits – Jacques Lacan
77 The Theatre and its Double – Antonin Artaud
78 Manhattan Transfer – John Dos Passos
79 Ficciones – Jorge Luis Borges
80 Moravagine – Blaise Cendrars
81 The General of the Dead Army – Ismail Kadare
82 Sophie's Choice – William Styron
83 Gypsy Ballads – Federico García Lorca
84 The Strange Case of Peter the Lett – Georges Simenon
85 Our Lady of the Flowers – Jean Genet
86 The Man Without Qualities – Robert Musil
87 Fureur et mystère – René Char
88 The Catcher in the Rye – J. D. Salinger
89 No Orchids For Miss Blandish – James Hadley Chase
90 Blake and Mortimer – Edgar P. Jacobs
91 The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge – Rainer Maria Rilke
92 Second Thoughts – Michel Butor
93 The Origins of Totalitarianism – Hannah Arendt
94 The Master and Margarita – Mikhail Bulgakov
95 The Rosy Crucifixion – Henry Miller
96 The Big Sleep – Raymond Chandler
97 Amers – Saint-John Perse
98 Gaston – André Franquin
99 Under the Volcano – Malcolm Lowry
100 Midnight's Children – Salman Rushdie

Valentine’s Day Massacre

I had B, C, D line up in front of me and remove their uniforms piece by piece. They tore off their epaulettes and peeled off their field jackets. Each was trying to disrobe more seductively than the other. They took the knee pads out of their trousers and whipped off their rigger’s belts. Next came the trousers themselves.

There is no graceful way for a man to remove his trousers. I don’t care what Jane Goodall says.

Se7en

I like to watch porn. Not for the same reasons you do. I’m fascinated by women who make a living by having sex. I know men do it too but it is more socially problematic for women. If a woman told her friends that she is a porn star they would probably be horrified. If a man told his friends that he is a porn star they would probably grunt and pound their chests together.

Men are gods for getting so much tail. More so if they are paid for it. Women are just whores. I’m interested in women holding positions of power. Few things are more powerful than sex.

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Not quite that long ago.

 

Before weblogs and typing messages on Star Trek communicator pads I was a total chat room whore. At university I kept uncivilised hours and associated with ne’er-do-wells so chat rooms were perfect for me. I spent too much time in questionable rooms with people I hardly knew. Online as well. I had no company loyalty and jumped around from one server to the next. I guess Yahoo did not have chat rooms. But the largest company and the one with the most rooms by far was AOL. Anybody older than my nephew should remember a time when AOL dominated the internet. That guy saying you’ve got mail became so iconic that Nora Ephron made a movie about it.


 


 


 

Orgies, Architecture and Hardcore Pornography

Despite their very different religious persuasions, political opinions and double penetration preferences Cindy and Raul got on well. She is a very likable person with that golden hair colour that makes you hate Californians and breasts you can’t help but notice. And no they are not real. Unless they grew several cup sizes after university. To Raul’s credit he can talk all day to people he completely disagrees with without sounding like an arrogant jerk and he is not painful to look at. I think they would make a nice looking baby but that was never going to happen. Some things I simply do not share. I am all for polyandry but polygyny is unacceptable. It has been pointed out to me that my view here is a little hypocritical but I think that most men cannot handle one woman let alone two or more. Women are better at multitasking.

So You Want to Be a Porn Star

The Cindy I knew was not the type of person you would expect to enter the porn business. She could have been voted most likely to become a librarian. But then again what are porn stars like when younger? They are not born with breast implants and bleached hair. I don’t know much about the lives of any of them but I do know at least one has a doctorate degree in math or chemistry or something you can’t just slide through. I am not willing to push them all into stereotypes. Cindy was certainly never vapid or shallow. She was as smart as anybody and would have easily graduated had she stayed in school. I don’t know if she ever went back. That is another thing for us to talk about when she visits.

P is for Fun

Olya went through a wide range of emotions in about a minute. She was surprised to see porn where she was looking for details about the hotel they are planning on using their next holiday. I think she is the only one who could have been surprised. If you have ever met her husband you would not be. He judges movies on how many tits are shown. He hates Disney. Not because of the animation style or fairy tale stories. He hates the fact that not a single one of those cartoons shows a single bare ass.

The Dating Game: IT Happens

Maybe a week later I was having website troubles and a friend gave me an illegal copy of an antivirus CD. Don’t tell anybody. While it was running I noticed a folder with Ben’s name tucked away in the abyss. When I opened the folder there were a few pictures of me. One I had e-mailed to Levi, one he took on our second date, and one with his sister and me.

Also in the folder were a few pictures of Levi. In one he was waving at the camera and naked as the day he was born. In the others he was pleasuring himself, feverishly in one. The expression on his face was funny if you ignore the complete betrayal of trust. In the final picture he had spilt his seed all over a printed copy of the picture I had e-mailed him. When I confronted him he matter of factly told me that he likes to masturbate to my pictures and he added that folder to let me know how much he liked me.

How To Have Cyber Sex

[Warning: Don't read this if you're my mother.]


Gandolf419: What do you look like?

swtNsXy_18: im tall n thin blond hair 36D-24-36 wearing a pink tank top black micro shorts n hi heels what u look like?

Gandolf419: I’m 5’3”, 290lbs, balding, hairy back, coke bottle glasses. I’m wearing khaki shorts I got from Sears in 1988 and a Kiss t-shirt with sweat stains down the sides.

Gandolf419: Where are you now?

swtNsXy_18: im all alone in my room im so lonely where u at?

Gandolf419: I’m in my studio apartment overlooking the repo yard. My room smells like old tuna fish and socks.

swtNsXy_18: ur funny :)

Gandolf419: You are who you eat.

swtNsXy_18: u like vegtables?

Gandolf419: You mean gardening?

swtNsXy_18: u can say that sorta

swtNsXy_18: u wanna get sexxy with vegtables?

Gandolf419: I’d love to.

Gandolf419: I bend you over to harvest your crops.

swtNsXy_18: mmm nice

Gandolf419: I watch as you water your pumpkin patch.

Gandolf419: Can you handle my plow?

swtNsXy_18: um ok

Gandolf419: It’s a really big plow.

swtNsXy_18: how big?

Gandolf419: John Deere.

Gandolf419: At least a 10 footer.

swtNsXy_18: wow that IS big what u gonna do with that plow?

Gandolf419: I’m going to plant lettuce and cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

Gandolf419: Maybe some cauliflower.

swtNsXy_18: i was thinking like sex things with vegtabels

swtNsXy_18: can u b more sexxy?

Gandolf419: Anything for you, my sweet.

Gandolf419: I caress your lettuce as you massage my brussel sprouts.

Gandolf419: I start to gently lick the tip of your spinach.

swtNsXy_18: spinach dont turn me on im thinking like cucumers n shit

Gandolf419: I rub your cucumbers all over my cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: ur suposed to b the 1 with the cucumer r u a chick?

Gandolf419: I assure you, my dear, I’m all man.

swtNsXy_18: then get sexxy

Gandolf419: Maybe gardening isn’t for me.

Gandolf419: How about a little role play?

swtNsXy_18: ok sounds gd

Gandolf419: What do you want to be?

swtNsXy_18: ima yung n inicent skool gurl

Gandolf419: I’m a bull elephant. Strong, hung and smelling of stale urine and week-old crusted dung.

swtNsXy_18: opps i think i dropped my back pack

swtNsXy_18: lol hu?

Gandolf419: I stomp the ground and flap my ears. You’ve invaded my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i bend over 2 pick it up

Gandolf419: I spray musky urine all over the place to mark my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i start 2 unzip ur pants

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t wear pants.

swtNsXy_18: ur not a elepaphant that’s the game

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t play games. We stampede your ass.

swtNsXy_18: b serius

Gandolf419: My dear, few things are more serious than a bull elephant stampeding your ass.

swtNsXy_18: u like anal?

Gandolf419: With a mighty roar of my trunk I stampede. You are caught helpless under my towering frame. The last thing you see before you slump into unconsciousness are my huge legs crashing down upon you.

swtNsXy_18: this isnt sexxy

Gandolf419: I’m hard.

Gandolf419: Elephant hard.

Gandolf419: Spank me and call me Dumbo.

swtNsXy_18: u like bein spanked?

Gandolf419: I’d rather dominate you.

swtNsXy_18: ok i like that tell me what to do

Gandolf419: Lay down on the floor. I put on my enchanted robe.

swtNsXy_18: ok im down on the floor

Gandolf419: Now spread your arms and legs out wide.

swtNsXy_18: mmm yea im spread real wide 4 u

Gandolf419: I need my hat of wonderment.

swtNsXy_18: u want me 2 take my close off 4 u?

Gandolf419: No need.

swtNsXy_18: or r u gonna do it?

Gandolf419: I cast an Ergon Level 3 metabolic spell on you. Suddenly you’re a beautiful woman.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

swtNsXy_18: HEY!

Gandolf419: Calling out to the Inner Sanctum Demons of Tra’anfar I cast a Level 100 erospell on you.

swtNsXy_18: what?

Gandolf419: I invoke the wrath of Aeor the Magnificent and transform your vagina into an open realm of intergalactic transportation.

swtNsXy_18: this is stupit

Gandolf419: Sensing that this is a great task before me I pull the reserve Ambillant Orb from my robe and cast a Level 500 spell of Orisis on you.

swtNsXy_18: ur the worst cyber partner ever

Gandolf419: Silence, mortal!

Gandolf419: I cast a Level 1,000 spell of the Dammed and drain your lifeforce into my golden chalice. Your empty shell body withers and turns to dust.

Gandolf419: I call on the mighty forces of Wilton to blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth and beyond.

swtNsXy_18: dont ever pm me agin u loozer

Gandolf419: Mind control robots enter the room and try to steal my magic robe but they don’t know I have the Amulet of Adar.

Gandolf419: The robots want to have sex with your charred clothes, but I intervene and protect your honor. I cast a Force of Plenty spell on them and they morph into wood nymphs.

Gandolf419: General Washington rides into the room on a tall white steed and bequeaths on me a medal for my bravery. I’m Time’s Man of the year.

Gandolf419: I’m gonna cum.