How To Have Cyber Sex

[Warning: Don't read this if you're my mother.]


Gandolf419: What do you look like?

swtNsXy_18: im tall n thin blond hair 36D-24-36 wearing a pink tank top black micro shorts n hi heels what u look like?

Gandolf419: I’m 5’3”, 290lbs, balding, hairy back, coke bottle glasses. I’m wearing khaki shorts I got from Sears in 1988 and a Kiss t-shirt with sweat stains down the sides.

Gandolf419: Where are you now?

swtNsXy_18: im all alone in my room im so lonely where u at?

Gandolf419: I’m in my studio apartment overlooking the repo yard. My room smells like old tuna fish and socks.

swtNsXy_18: ur funny :)

Gandolf419: You are who you eat.

swtNsXy_18: u like vegtables?

Gandolf419: You mean gardening?

swtNsXy_18: u can say that sorta

swtNsXy_18: u wanna get sexxy with vegtables?

Gandolf419: I’d love to.

Gandolf419: I bend you over to harvest your crops.

swtNsXy_18: mmm nice

Gandolf419: I watch as you water your pumpkin patch.

Gandolf419: Can you handle my plow?

swtNsXy_18: um ok

Gandolf419: It’s a really big plow.

swtNsXy_18: how big?

Gandolf419: John Deere.

Gandolf419: At least a 10 footer.

swtNsXy_18: wow that IS big what u gonna do with that plow?

Gandolf419: I’m going to plant lettuce and cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

Gandolf419: Maybe some cauliflower.

swtNsXy_18: i was thinking like sex things with vegtabels

swtNsXy_18: can u b more sexxy?

Gandolf419: Anything for you, my sweet.

Gandolf419: I caress your lettuce as you massage my brussel sprouts.

Gandolf419: I start to gently lick the tip of your spinach.

swtNsXy_18: spinach dont turn me on im thinking like cucumers n shit

Gandolf419: I rub your cucumbers all over my cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: ur suposed to b the 1 with the cucumer r u a chick?

Gandolf419: I assure you, my dear, I’m all man.

swtNsXy_18: then get sexxy

Gandolf419: Maybe gardening isn’t for me.

Gandolf419: How about a little role play?

swtNsXy_18: ok sounds gd

Gandolf419: What do you want to be?

swtNsXy_18: ima yung n inicent skool gurl

Gandolf419: I’m a bull elephant. Strong, hung and smelling of stale urine and week-old crusted dung.

swtNsXy_18: opps i think i dropped my back pack

swtNsXy_18: lol hu?

Gandolf419: I stomp the ground and flap my ears. You’ve invaded my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i bend over 2 pick it up

Gandolf419: I spray musky urine all over the place to mark my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i start 2 unzip ur pants

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t wear pants.

swtNsXy_18: ur not a elepaphant that’s the game

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t play games. We stampede your ass.

swtNsXy_18: b serius

Gandolf419: My dear, few things are more serious than a bull elephant stampeding your ass.

swtNsXy_18: u like anal?

Gandolf419: With a mighty roar of my trunk I stampede. You are caught helpless under my towering frame. The last thing you see before you slump into unconsciousness are my huge legs crashing down upon you.

swtNsXy_18: this isnt sexxy

Gandolf419: I’m hard.

Gandolf419: Elephant hard.

Gandolf419: Spank me and call me Dumbo.

swtNsXy_18: u like bein spanked?

Gandolf419: I’d rather dominate you.

swtNsXy_18: ok i like that tell me what to do

Gandolf419: Lay down on the floor. I put on my enchanted robe.

swtNsXy_18: ok im down on the floor

Gandolf419: Now spread your arms and legs out wide.

swtNsXy_18: mmm yea im spread real wide 4 u

Gandolf419: I need my hat of wonderment.

swtNsXy_18: u want me 2 take my close off 4 u?

Gandolf419: No need.

swtNsXy_18: or r u gonna do it?

Gandolf419: I cast an Ergon Level 3 metabolic spell on you. Suddenly you’re a beautiful woman.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

swtNsXy_18: HEY!

Gandolf419: Calling out to the Inner Sanctum Demons of Tra’anfar I cast a Level 100 erospell on you.

swtNsXy_18: what?

Gandolf419: I invoke the wrath of Aeor the Magnificent and transform your vagina into an open realm of intergalactic transportation.

swtNsXy_18: this is stupit

Gandolf419: Sensing that this is a great task before me I pull the reserve Ambillant Orb from my robe and cast a Level 500 spell of Orisis on you.

swtNsXy_18: ur the worst cyber partner ever

Gandolf419: Silence, mortal!

Gandolf419: I cast a Level 1,000 spell of the Dammed and drain your lifeforce into my golden chalice. Your empty shell body withers and turns to dust.

Gandolf419: I call on the mighty forces of Wilton to blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth and beyond.

swtNsXy_18: dont ever pm me agin u loozer

Gandolf419: Mind control robots enter the room and try to steal my magic robe but they don’t know I have the Amulet of Adar.

Gandolf419: The robots want to have sex with your charred clothes, but I intervene and protect your honor. I cast a Force of Plenty spell on them and they morph into wood nymphs.

Gandolf419: General Washington rides into the room on a tall white steed and bequeaths on me a medal for my bravery. I’m Time’s Man of the year.

Gandolf419: I’m gonna cum.

The Dating Game: Horror Stories

When he finished his esophagial emancipation proclamation he stood up, did a few stretches and asked me if I was ready to go on. I was. I was ready to go on home. In trying to impress me or himself or somebody he only disgusted me. Even if he hadn’t gorged himself at lunch I wouldn’t have been impressed by his running abilities. Lots of people can run farther and faster than me. So what? That’s not going to get you into my bed. By eating the way he did he only showed me that he doesn’t think things through. By refusing my suggestions and assistance every step of the way he told me that he wasn’t interested in my input. None of this is really the impression you should want to make on a first date.

And letting your lunch roam free in the great outdoors doesn’t help either.

So a Priest Enters a School...

Priest gets probation for jogging nude at track

20 November 2008

Greeley, Colorado, USA. (AP) — A Catholic priest convicted of indecent exposure for jogging naked around a track at a high school has been sentenced to five years probation.

Rev. Robert Whipkey must also complete 100 hours of community service and register as a sex offender under the sentence handed down Thursday in Weld County District Court.

The Denver archdiocese said Whipkey, of Frederick, was placed on leave last year. He officiated at parishes in Frederick, Mead and Erie. He was arrested about an hour before sunrise on June 22, 2007.

Dressed in a blue shirt and slacks, Whipkey told Judge Timothy Kerns that the conviction has ruined his life and that he is unemployed.

Where Do I Stand Politically?

That’s a good question. The answer depends whose definitions you use.

In South Afrika I was considered radically liberal by the whites because I vehemently opposed apartheid.

In America I couldn’t be liberal because I oppose abortion but I couldn’t be conservative because I oppose capital punishment.

In China I was ultra-conservative because I’m not all that keen on communism. Some of it sounds good on paper but there’s never been a communist country that wasn’t a dictatorship.

In Israel I’m considered liberal because of my views on Palestine. The fact that I call it Palestine tells you something.

Does that answer your question?

...Or to Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles

AH-1 Tzefa
© Bell Helicopter

Home for at least 1 more year

Joke of the Day

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A finite number. One to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

Der Körper und das Fleisch

[Warning: This post contains 2 graphic images. One is from a movie. It’s fake. Mostly makeup and rubber. It’s not real. The other is from a public execution. It’s not visually graphic but some may find it disturbing anyway. Otherwise everything else is safe for all ages in my opinion.]


Acceptable for all audiences

Restricted

Legal

Illegal

Decent

Indecent

Beachwear around the world
Switzerland

Israel

South Afrika

China

Saudi Arabia

All pictures above are probably under copyright but I’m not going to bother finding out who owns what. The film stills are from Tokyo zankoku keisatsu (© Fever Dreams) and American Beauty (© DreamWorks).

Party Politics and You

The party banners
(right to left, because that’s how we do it in Hebrew)
Ra’am, Gil, Hadash, Balad
Yisrael Beiteinu, HaIhud HaLeumi, Yahadut HaTorah HaMeukhedet, Meretz-Yachad
Kadima, Avoda, Likud, Shas