Catching Up

I was out of town for a bit. I am back.

What happened while I was gone?

On the international stage Syria and Egypt were in the midst of civil wars, terrorist organisations were playing their part, Zimbabwe was looking forward to some illegal election antics, Iran was denying building nuclear weapons while increasing their production of nuclear weapons, the American president was under fire for taking a holiday while his people were complaining about drone attacks.

If you look at a newspaper from the day I left and another from the day I returned, you would see very little difference.

Domestically, the UN is “warning” Israel not to undermine “peace talks”. Why do they never send such warnings to Palestine? Ask Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, Oman.

Far more interesting, but with little to no coverage from CNN, my mother was married in a quiet little ceremony in Jerusalem. She married her rabbi, whom she had been dating for only a few months. Much can be said about their brief courtship but I think at their age there is very little point in taking your time about things. They were both previously married to people with whom they thought they would live for the rest of their lives. But not everybody lives the same amount of time.

Somebody told me that it was amusing that my mother married before I did. That seems pretty normal to me. The point is supposed to be that I have been dating my intended off and on for about seven years whilst my mother and her new husband probably only hit the sheets on their wedding night. As far as I know.

I have no problem with my mother being married. She was married throughout my entire childhood. It is a different man with whom my sisters and I have a completely different relationship but she is still a mother, daughter and wife.

We’ve yet to set a date for my wedding. We are still looking at locations and where we do it will determine when. Our families vote for Jerusalem. The city is full of history and culture and is very important to our people. It is also centrally located and easy for everybody to get to. The groom votes for Tel Aviv. There are plenty of parks, beaches and five star hotels that would work and the Mediterranean is an excellent backdrop. I vote for Yam HaMelach. It is one of my favourite places and significant to our relationship. Time will tell.

In sadder news, my beloved sister crashed my beloved car. She was not injured but the car was destroyed. The cause of the accident was the simple fact that Israelis drive like idiots. The effect is that my beautiful black Chevrolet Corvette C5 Z06 is no more. I bought it in America when I moved to Israel and had it shipped at great pain and expense. It was a fine automobile that did everything I asked of it and provided years of comfort, style and serious horsepower.

The future husband suggests I get a more family orientated car. With any luck and a great deal of practise we should have children in the near future. He thinks said children should not ride around in a sports car. I think any biological children of mine would loathe a Volvo V70.




2004-2013
RIP dear friend

Mother Superior Jumped the Gun

So a rabbi and my mother walk into a bar.

My mother has just announced that she and her rabbi are dating. Nobody is more surprised than I. Or my sisters. Or my grandmother. Or everybody who knows my mother.

I’m sure somebody knew about it, but I was completely in the dark. I have never heard my mother talk about him other than in a rabbinical context. She always had nice things to say about him but she is not the sort to say bad things about her rabbi anyway.

For anybody unfamiliar with arayot, there is nothing untoward about a person such as my mother dating a person such as her rabbi. His wife died several years ago. Her husband died 10 years ago. There are no halachic restrictions on their dating, hitting the sheets, shacking up or even being married. A rabbi is generally considered a good catch and more than a few mothers have been known to hit great lengths to have their daughters marry amongst the rabbanim.

We are all supposed to be married at a younger age and remain married until both partners die hand in hand of old age in their bed. But that does not always happen. It probably rarely happens. People live a lot longer than they did a few thousand years ago and not everybody can stick around as long as everybody else. My father was 59 years old when he died and my mother was only 53. She could theoretically live another 40 years and it is unrealistic to assume that she would remain unmarried for the rest of her life.

An interesting point here is that if they are to marry, when will this happen? Weddings are a pretty big deal in my family and right now everybody is talking about mine. I’m finally marrying. Everybody always puts the finally in there. Will my own mother’s wedding steal some of my spotlight? That’s probably not something most people think about.

Not that I mind. I like the idea of taking some of the focus off of me and letting everybody ask her a million questions every day. I have absolutely no objection if she wants to marry before me, after me or even on the same day. Though a double wedding with my own mother might be a little more than I can tolerate.

Of course, they are only dating. Talk of marriage might be premature. But people like my mother who are my mother’s age do not date lightly. To her mind the sole purpose of dating is to check the horse’s teeth before you buy it. I would be very surprised if she simply rides him around the stables a few times only to mount another steed.

Which brings us to sex. Are they getting any? I’ve no idea. But I am morbidly fascinated with the idea. My mother has been celibate for the last 10 years. To the best of my knowledge. She was something of a hellion in her younger days but she likes to pretend that was a lifetime ago. Given her frequently vocal disapproval of my loose morals it would be hypocritical of her to sleep around like a TV doctor.

What is it like to get some after a 10 year drought? I hope I never find out first hand. They say the longer you go without the easier it is to go without. I have found that the longer I go without the hornier I get and more willing I am to do things I just might regret later. Fortunately I’m recently engaged. This is probably the most sex I will ever have in my entire life. I am happy to report that I’m starting to walk funny. Everybody who has ever been married in the entire history of the world will tell you that there is far less sex after marriage. Entire movies, sitcoms, comedy routines revolve around this concept.

Should my future husband die far earlier than I do, I can’t say that I would ever be married again. But I can’t imagine I would deny myself the fleshly needs of human contact. It took me 31 years to find the first man I wanted to marry. How old would I be by the time I found the second? Or do you lower your standards with age? At 20 I had a very wide selection from which to choose. At 80 just finding a man who can breathe on his own is a plus.

My sisters and I are very happy for our mother. Her rabbi seems to be a nice enough man. My older sisters know him far better than I do and they approve. Our grandmother is more relieved than anything else. She thought her daughter was going to remain alone for the rest of her life.

It’s supposed to be a serious adjustment for children when one of their parents remarry. But we are all very much adults and our father has been gone for a long time. We have no fear of any man replacing him. We know that he was the love of our mother’s life and you certainly can’t accuse her of not observing a respectful mourning period. We also know that a companion for the rest of her life would be a positive thing and no future husband can ever make her forget about our father.

My future husband joked that at least she can’t have another child. That would just freak me out.

Lord, I Can’t Believe My Eyes, I Must Be Dreaming

And if all that was not enough, my boyfriend is now my fiancé. David got down on his busted knee and begged me to make him the happiest man in the world. Then he changed his mind and asked me to marry him. I thought about how this would affect the most important thing in life, my Facebook status, and said yes. Now we have to plan a wedding while planning an expedition to the highest mountain in the world.

Happy New Year

The funny thing about significant others is that they have families too. During festivals where one normally spends time with family, which family does one choose? This has always been an easy choice for my older sisters. Since they cannot bear to leave my mother and grandmother alone they spend family festivals with them rather than their husband’s families. While I agree with that in principle, my boyfriend is rather close to his family. He does not want to be away from them any more than I want to be away from mine.

How to Meet Your Bashert

We waited a few weeks before we started dating. There was all that defending the homeland from genocide going on. He was doing the defending. I mostly watched. What I still talk about is how he never cared that I outranked him. Too many men are intimidated by women who have more power. Or at least the perception of more power. Up until last year his job was always more important than mine. Now I would say we both do equally important work on opposite ends of the spectrum. But I still outrank him. I was always attracted to the fact that it never meant anything to him.

Heavy Petting

But there are other issues to consider. Adopting a cat or dog is a serious commitment. It is not like you can flush them down the toilet when they die in a week. As Jenda said to Bart, marriage is a three year commitment. But pets last even longer. If David and I should part ways and I kick him out of my apartment with the clothes on his back and the shame of whatever he did to get kicked out, I would no longer have enough people around often enough to care for a pet. Living with somebody is one thing. Getting a pet together is serious business.



Are these dogs or toys?



Russian blue


Thai Korat


Cyprus shorthair


The most evolved breed

Mia’s Guide to Teenage Sex

They are told that they are not emotionally ready to have sex at 16. That is probably true. But I’ve known 40-year-olds who were not emotionally ready to have sex. So what is the best age to start having sex? That is entirely up to you. No arbitrary number can be chosen by governments, religions, schools, parents, friends, or even me. I am not going to say that age is just a number. The people who say that usually seem to prefer lower numbers. I cannot tell anybody when they should start having sex. I don’t think anybody can tell anybody when they can start having sex. That is up to the individual.

Burn Into Your Memory Cells

Fair point. I don’t know if he will still be around. And I can see one of my sisters showing me the picture ten years from now and wondering what ever happened to that guy.

“He is now a billionaire from inventing the next big thing,” I say.

“Too bad you dumped him the day before he invented it,” she reminds me.

“Had I not dumped him he would never have invented it,” I remind her.

This is where she quickly learns not to even try getting the better of me in my own imaginary future conversation. And I’m in great shape and look pretty while she is old and has gained weight. And I have more magical powers.

Post Title

This lack of marriage bothers my mother. As it always has. She likes to say “nokh vos darf men di ku koyfn az di milkh krigt men bekhinem”. To which I reply “besser ain ku in shtal aider tsen in feld”. Which roughly translates as “get married now” and “keep your knickers on, old lady”. She does not want us to live together. She just wants us to marry. She likes to point out that my older sisters never lived with their husbands before marriage. But then I point out that my younger sister lived with her wife long before they married. I wonder if I will have such narrow focus when I am a mother. My mother says I will. I don’t have any way to contradict that yet.

Nice Day for a White Wedding

Ria wore a latte off the shoulder, cap sleeve A-line Italian silk organza gown with tulle netting and antique embroidery. Hava wore an ivory ruched taffeta V-neck halter with beaded straps and lace up back, side bustle, flowered and bubble hem. I only know what half of that means and I was there. But they both looked incredible. Picture two families of beauty, grace and dignity joining together. I was there too.


This picture was taken a few years ago
but it is pretty much the view from the wedding.
More or less.

We Can’t Rewind, We’ve Gone Too Far

But there is plenty of nudity. If you record our video talks you will get to see more of us than most people would want to see. It started with a little peak of body parts here and there and escalated into something you might see on late night TV. The image quality is not very good so any thoughts of packaging and selling our show and tell time will have to wait until somebody makes a free high quality teleconference application. Many years ago somebody that I used to know threatened to sell pictures of me doing things that my mother would not want to see. But those pictures were all at low resolutions even by the standards of the day; something like 0.1 megapixels. Good luck selling them now. By the time high definition webcams are standard we will both be too old to make much money off of our prurient side. He will be back home long before that anyway.

This reminds me, I need to get more whipped cream.

The Big News Stories

On the stranger side of the news, some kind of weird glitch in blogger made it impossible to post. Any time I tried I got this error message: “Illegal post time (format is: hh:mm AM/PM)” even though I always had it set to the proper 24 hour format and not that am/pm nonsense. Changing the time manually and setting it to am/pm did nothing. Then somebody told me that if your language is set to South African English this happens. Even though it has never happened to me before. Changing it to UK English has solved the problem. I’m sure there is some kind of international conspiracy afoot but I haven’t the time just now.

It Took Off Into the Sky Leaving a Trail of Smoke Behind It

I don’t really understand the Christian obsession with virginity anyway. It seems to be based on the belief that God knocked up a virgin to make a demigod love child. I guess if you are a man and want to be like Jesus then you have to marry a virgin. But they really don’t like the suggestion that Jesus married anybody. It seems to me that if you want to be like Jesus then your mother has to be a virgin. Good luck with that.

The Muslim obsession with virginity makes a lot more sense. It is about power and control. Men can do what they want. Women cannot. It is completely sexist and rooted in a deeply inherent misogyny but it is easier to understand.

But that is why there is chocolate and vanilla. You believe in your rules and I will believe in mine. Fortunately, my rules don’t sentence me to an eternity in hell. Whoever eventually marries me is not getting a delicate, young unblossomed flower. I will be more like a drooping daisy by the time I’m wed. I rarely date anybody who is surprised by my lack of inexperience. I’m 31, I’ve had a few marriage proposals, I’ve dated polyandrously. It would be far more shocking if I were a dainty young thing.

Tainted Love

While partying, drinking, eating, singing I met up with a friend whom I used to date more than 2 years and 9 months ago. Not that I am keeping count. He was also partying, drinking, eating, singing. His group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers met up with my group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers and we all partied, drank, ate, sang together. The thing about life is that one thing almost always leads to another and so it did. I don’t want to get into any details but evil, sinful fornication was involved. Dirty, hot, sweaty, evil, sinful fornication. Body parts were aroused and put inside of each other. Repeatedly. Orgasms were contracted by all and fluids from some aroused body parts were thrust into other aroused body parts.

You think love is to pray
But I’m sorry
I don’t pray that way

Ed Cobb

My Second First Shidduch Date

Photoshop these two into one and that is Aram.

After our walk and talk we left the park and had an early supper. All went well and I told the shadchan that I am up for another date. I want to be optimistic about it all but I’m too old and too experienced not to be realistic. Could he be my bashert? I have no earthly idea. It seems unlikely. China is nice but it was only a few years of our lives. And I will stop feeling guilty about the car accident as soon as he does something stupid or pisses me off. Or next week. Whichever comes first. It is not like it was my fault.

My First Shidduch Date

I was told before the date that Aram is 38 years old, an urban planner, never married, no children of course. That is how I was told. “No children, of course.” I resisted the urge to point out that you can have children without ever being married. I had a vague idea of what an urban planner does but I’m no expert on the subject. At least we would have something to talk about for a few minutes. I’ve never met a man who does not want to educate people about what his job is really like as opposed to what people think it is like.

I was very specifically not told what Aram looks like. This is usually an enormous warning sign. But the shadchan explained that God wants us to merely look upon outward appearance as decoration. That is an even bigger warning. This guy must be ass to mouth ugly. But then I realised that the shadchan probably was not telling Aram what I looked like either. He was probably only told my age, job, never married, no children of course.

A Girl Can Get Burnt Playing with Matches

My favourite aspect of the shidduch is that I can completely avoid all the messy parts of dating. I am not very good at rejecting people. I’ve never perfected a good “that was fun but I would rather never see your face again” speech. The shidduch takes care of all that. After the first date you are supposed to tell the shadchan whether you want a second date or not. He then tells the other person. All of that when will he call me, why didn’t he call me bullshit is gone. The shadchan lets everybody know where they stand and nobody has to deal with any confrontations. I used to call it dating for cowards. The shadchan remains the intermediary until both people mutually decide that he is no longer needed. Usually a proposal soon follows since the goal of Jewish dating is marriage. Supposedly.

The Bravery of Being Out of Range

I did not want to get married for a long time. I wanted to be married but always in some distant future. I’ve thrown away several possibly rewarding relationships because they were too serious for what I wanted at the time. I wanted to experience as much of life as I could before I settled down to washing dishes and changing nappies. It took me a long time to fully realise that having a husband and children are a major life experience. And there is no law that says I can’t travel to exotic places with children or have wild uninhibited sex with a husband. It just takes more effort.


With immodest shoulders.


Swimming naked as the day is short.


I would marry me.

Long Time Gone

I am flying the Sikorsky S-70, what the Americans call black hawk and we call yanshuf, best known for going down in a Ridley Scott movie. Fortunately I am a better pilot than Ewan McGregor. I went from the Education and Youth Corps under a ta’al to the Helicopter Air Group under an aluf. That the current branch is led by a higher rank should tell you something about what the people in charge think of my former department.


© Columbia Pictures

God Hates Sailors

Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community

We, the undersigned Orthodox rabbis, rashei yeshiva, ramim, Jewish educators and communal leaders affirm the following principles with regard to the place of Jews with a homosexual orientation in our community:

1. All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (kevod haberiyot). Every Jew is obligated to fulfill the entire range of mitzvot between person and person in relation to persons who are homosexual or have feelings of same sex attraction. Embarrassing, harassing or demeaning someone with a homosexual orientation or same-sex attraction is a violation of Torah prohibitions that embody the deepest values of Judaism.

2. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect.

3. Halakhah sees heterosexual marriage as the ideal model and sole legitimate outlet for human sexual expression. The sensitivity and understanding we properly express for human beings with other sexual orientations does not diminish our commitment to that principle.

4. Halakhic Judaism views all male and female same-sex sexual interactions as prohibited. The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to this prohibition. While halakha categorizes various homosexual acts with different degrees of severity and opprobrium, including toeivah, this does not in any way imply that lesser acts are permitted. But it is critical to emphasize that halakha only prohibits homosexual acts; it does not prohibit orientation or feelings of same-sex attraction, and nothing in the Torah devalues the human beings who struggle with them.

5. Whatever the origin or cause of homosexual orientation, many individuals believe that for most people this orientation cannot be changed. Others believe that for most people it is a matter of free will. Similarly, while some mental health professionals and rabbis in the community strongly believe in the efficacy of “change therapies”, most of the mental health community, many rabbis, and most people with a homosexual orientation feel that some of these therapies are either ineffective or potentially damaging psychologically for many patients.

We affirm the religious right of those with a homosexual orientation to reject therapeutic approaches they reasonably see as useless or dangerous.

6. Jews with a homosexual orientation who live in the Orthodox community confront serious emotional, communal and psychological challenges that cause them and their families great pain and suffering. For example, homosexual orientation may greatly increase the risk of suicide among teenagers in our community. Rabbis and communities need to be sensitive and empathetic to that reality. Rabbis and mental health professionals must provide responsible and ethical assistance to congregants and clients dealing with those human challenges.

7. Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden.

8. Accordingly, Jews with homosexual orientations or same sex-attractions should be welcomed as full members of the synagogue and school community. As appropriate with regard to gender and lineage, they should participate and count ritually, be eligible for ritual synagogue honors, and generally be treated in the same fashion and under the same halakhic and hashkafic framework as any other member of the synagogue they join. Conversely, they must accept and fulfill all the responsibilities of such membership, including those generated by communal norms or broad Jewish principles that go beyond formal halakha.

We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner. Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with regard to membership for open violators of halakha. Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively.

9. Halakha articulates very exacting criteria and standards of eligibility for particular religious offices, such as officially appointed cantor during the year or baal tefillah on the High Holidays. Among the most important of those criteria is that the entire congregation must be fully comfortable with having that person serve as its representative. This legitimately prevents even the most admirable individuals, who are otherwise perfectly fit halakhically, from serving in those roles. It is the responsibility of the lay and rabbinic leadership in each individual community to determine eligibility for those offices in line with those principles, the importance of maintaining communal harmony, and the unique context of its community culture.

10. Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability, and the attitude of “all or nothing” was not the traditional approach adopted by the majority of halakhic thinkers and poskim throughout the ages.

11. Halakhic Judaism cannot give its blessing and imprimatur to Jewish religious same-sex commitment ceremonies and weddings, and halakhic values proscribe individuals and communities from encouraging practices that grant religious legitimacy to gay marriage and couplehood. But communities should display sensitivity, acceptance and full embrace of the adopted or biological children of homosexually active Jews in the synagogue and school setting, and we encourage parents and family of homosexually partnered Jews to make every effort to maintain harmonious family relations and connections.

12. Jews who have an exclusively homosexual orientation should, under most circumstances, not be encouraged to marry someone of the other gender, as this can lead to great tragedy, unrequited love, shame, dishonesty and ruined lives. They should be directed to contribute to Jewish and general society in other meaningful ways. Any such person who is planning to marry someone of the opposite gender is halakhically and ethically required to fully inform his or her potential spouse of their sexual orientation.

We hope and pray that by sharing these thoughts we will help the Orthodox community to fully live out its commitment to the principles and values of Torah and Halakha as practiced and cherished by the children of Abraham, who our sages teach us are recognized by the qualities of being merciful, modest, and engaging in acts of loving kindness.

Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot
Chair, Departments of Bible and Jewish Thought at Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, New York
Rabbinical Council of America

Rabbi Aryeh Klapper
Dean, Center for Modern Torah Leadership, Boston

Rabbi Yitzchak Blau
Rosh Kollel, Yeshivat Shvilei Hatorah, Jerusalem