Say Hello to All Those Wayward Eyes

I have no idea when Easter is celebrated throughout the world. I know it has something to do with Spring and falls at different times each year. But I know that it must be Easter time.

A group of Arabs in Dearborn, Michigan are protesting a local Presbyterian church’s Easter egg hunt, dubbed an “eggstravaganza”.

I know how Arabs in the United States feel. More or less. I grew up in South Africa. Not exactly a bastion of Judaism. Most of the people around me were Christians. Mostly because I was not allowed to spend any serious amount of time with any black Africans and their less than Christian religions. Actually, I have no idea how Arabs in the United States feel. They can hang out with whomever they want.

I was surrounded by Christians through no fault of my own. People in the United States can surround themselves with pretty much anything.

I never understood the Easter egg concept. Rabbits laying coloured chicken eggs symbolise Jesus rising from the dead somehow. But I was never offended by Christians having an Easter egg hunt. The children seem to enjoy it and it hurts absolutely nobody. Unless you are vegan it should not be a problem.

The issue in this fabricated controversy is supposed to be that pamphlets for this egg hunt were handed out at a local school. The United States has a separation of church and state. Supposedly. That means that the state is not allowed to tell people how to worship. Supposedly.

I can get behind that. I do not want any government anywhere in the world telling me how to pray. Whether I voted for you or not it is absolutely none of your business. But in this instance no American government agency was handing out pamphlets or advertising this event. The local church did that and, this part might be important, the egg hunt was open to anybody and everybody, regardless of religious persuasion. Muslim children were just as welcome to dig around for chicken eggs as anybody else.

The school was not at all involved. As far as I know. Pamphlets were handed out at the school because this is a neighbourhood event for children. Schools are a good place to find flocks of children in their natural habitat. The school did not force anybody to worship anything in any way. It did not force anybody to attend the egg hunt. Blaming the school for this is like blaming the road when your car runs out of fuel. And once you take the school out of it there is no church and state issue.

Far more troubling than the Easter egg hunt is that many Christians eat ham for dinner on a day set aside to honour Jesus. Did Jesus eat pork? Even more disturbing is that this event was called an eggstravaganza. That alone deserves an honour killing.

Happy New Year

The funny thing about significant others is that they have families too. During festivals where one normally spends time with family, which family does one choose? This has always been an easy choice for my older sisters. Since they cannot bear to leave my mother and grandmother alone they spend family festivals with them rather than their husband’s families. While I agree with that in principle, my boyfriend is rather close to his family. He does not want to be away from them any more than I want to be away from mine.

Nice Day for a White Wedding

Ria wore a latte off the shoulder, cap sleeve A-line Italian silk organza gown with tulle netting and antique embroidery. Hava wore an ivory ruched taffeta V-neck halter with beaded straps and lace up back, side bustle, flowered and bubble hem. I only know what half of that means and I was there. But they both looked incredible. Picture two families of beauty, grace and dignity joining together. I was there too.


This picture was taken a few years ago
but it is pretty much the view from the wedding.
More or less.

All is Forgiven

The Yamim Noraim have once again come and gone. And nobody got hurt. My sins of the past year have mostly been pretty minor. I did not kill anybody. I did not covet my neighbour’s house or wife. I’ve not worshipped any false idols or made graven images. I did not commit adultery. At least not by my definition. At most it was more avone than pesha. It is all a bit of a grey area.

Tainted Love

While partying, drinking, eating, singing I met up with a friend whom I used to date more than 2 years and 9 months ago. Not that I am keeping count. He was also partying, drinking, eating, singing. His group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers met up with my group of partiers, drinkers, eaters, singers and we all partied, drank, ate, sang together. The thing about life is that one thing almost always leads to another and so it did. I don’t want to get into any details but evil, sinful fornication was involved. Dirty, hot, sweaty, evil, sinful fornication. Body parts were aroused and put inside of each other. Repeatedly. Orgasms were contracted by all and fluids from some aroused body parts were thrust into other aroused body parts.

You think love is to pray
But I’m sorry
I don’t pray that way

Ed Cobb

新年快樂

Before the festival begins, houses are supposed to be cleaned and doorways are decorated with red phrases and poems. Red is the luckiest color and symbolizes good fortune and happiness. During the festival, red envelopes with money are given to younger family members. It is supposed to be money for suppressing the evil spirits but it usually ends up spent at 7-11. The amount of money given in the red envelopes should be lucky. Odd numbers are bad. Even numbers are good. Except four. Four is very unlucky because 四 [four] sounds like 死 [death]. Children will literally beg for these red envelopes and it is unlucky for the parents, aunts, uncles to say no.

Progress

A man wakes up from a coma after 20 years.

Coma Man: So what’s changed in the last 20 years? What wondrous marvels are there for me to discover?
Doctor: Oh, you won’t believe it.
Coma Man: Are there flying cars?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Cars that run on water or air?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: How about anything besides oil?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Have we cured cancer?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Alzheimer’s? Parkinson’s? Heart disease?
Doctor: No, no and no.
Coma Man: Is there peace on Earth?
Doctor: (Laughs) No.
Coma Man: Is the global environment better?
Doctor: Worse, actually.
Coma Man: Is the global economy better?
Doctor: Worse, actually.
Coma Man: Have we eradicated poverty?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: How about racism?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Have we put a man on Mars?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Do we have stations on the moon?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Can we time travel?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Do people have robot servants?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: Clones?
Doctor: No.
Coma Man: So what’s changed?
Doctor: There’s a website where you can tell everybody what you’re doing in 140 characters or less.

Mia’s Annual Christmas Message

Hanukkah has been around a lot longer and is observed by a lot more people but it is not nearly as important as Christmas. It is a minor festival. We light candles, say prayers, go about our business. There is no reason to artificially inflate its importance just because it is usually at around the same time as Christmas. Our most important days are usually around September or October. It is ok if you don’t know what they are. We do not need everybody to go crazy over them.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement and arguably the most important day on the Hebrew calendar. Some say it is Shabbat but I personally disagree. I am firmly in the Yom Kippur camp. It is the day we ask for God’s forgiveness for everything we have done against him and each other. Some of us do more harm to God than to man. I have been told that we are the worst people but I think it is the opposite. God can handle whatever I do to him. People are much less resilient.

War and Remembrance

Yom HaShoah is the day we commemorate the six million people who were murdered by bigotry. It is a national day of mourning and a religious observance, though the religious aspect is debated. It is one of those days when you will find secular and religious ceremonies at the same time. You can go to any government office, school, library, hospital, military instillation, synagogue, mosque, church and people will be praying and lighting candles. You hear a lot about tensions between Israelis and Arabs in the international media but I have never seen any Arab not observe the two minutes of silence. In my family it is also a day when the TV is absolutely forbidden. This is a custom I’ve grown to appreciate more as I got older. And TV programmes got worse.

Pesach

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech haO’lam shehheh chehyanu vehki yehmanu vehheganu lazman hazeh.

En kelohenu. En kadonenu. En kemalkenu. En kemoshi’enu.
Mi kelohenu. Mi kadonenu. Mi kemalkenu. Mi kemoshi’enu.
Nodeh lelohenu. Nodeh ladonenu. Nodeh lemalkenu. Nodeh lemoshi’enu.
Barukh Elohenu. Barukh Adonenu. Barukh Malkenu. Barukh Moshi’enu.
Atah hu Elohenu. Atah hu Adonenu. Atah hu Malkenu. Atah hu Moshi’enu.
Atah hu shehiqtiru abotenu, lefanekha eth qetoreth hasamim.

Why You Shouldn’t Post When You’ve Had a Few

It has been brought to my attention on several occasions that I tend to ramble when inebriated. I am not a sad drunk or angry drunk. I’m a talkative drunk. I just will not shut up. My sisters say that my brother-in-law and I had our most interesting political debate after we both had a few drinks. I was much more aggressive in my opinions and he had a hard time getting his words out. That was a different experience for both of us.

Purim

Im Buch Ester ist erzählt, dass Haman als oberster Beamter des Königs unbarmherzig ausgenutzt habe. Die königliche Sklaven mußte vor ihm niederbeugen. Sie waren bis zum Hals in der Scheiße stecken. Aber Mordechai habe sich als Jude Verpisst euch gesagt. Aus Rache das Haman die Vernichtung verarschen Juden beschlossen haben. Ester habe sich für die uneingeschränkte Freiheit der Juden abverlangt und Haman wurde zusammen mit tonnenweise weiteren Persern getötet. Todes ist das, was an uns vorbeizieht, während wir damit beschäftigt sind, andere Pläne zu schmieden.

Valentine’s Day Massacre

I had B, C, D line up in front of me and remove their uniforms piece by piece. They tore off their epaulettes and peeled off their field jackets. Each was trying to disrobe more seductively than the other. They took the knee pads out of their trousers and whipped off their rigger’s belts. Next came the trousers themselves.

There is no graceful way for a man to remove his trousers. I don’t care what Jane Goodall says.

農曆新年快樂

下週日是農曆春節，在中國稱作為春節或農曆春節。在中國以外的區域稱為中國人的新年。不論你如何稱呼它，它開始於中國農民曆的第一天，不同於穆斯林與希伯來人的月曆，這個假期開始於農民曆的第一天，結束於農曆十五，最後一天就是元宵節，但是不同國家的中國人通常只慶祝剛開始的前幾天。

對於年代的排序取決於你和誰談論，新年開始慶祝於4707年或4647年。在中國的部分地區稱為民國99年(像是台灣)，年代的開始主要是因為朝代的替換，新朝代的開始就稱為元年，清朝是最後一個帝王統治的朝代，它結束於西元1911年，中華民國開始於西元1912年，近年多數的中國人開始使用羅馬的曆法而稱為西元2010年，不論你使用那種曆法(農民曆或是西洋曆)，它即將由中國生肖的牛年到今年的虎年。

在節慶的開始，家家戶戶會開始清掃門戶(又稱做大掃除)並貼上新的春聯。紅色在中國傳統是非常幸運的顏色，它也象徵了吉祥與喜樂。在春節期間，人們會用紅包裝入壓歲錢給年輕的成員。雖然到後來錢都花到7-11買東西，但裝了錢的紅包可以驅走不好的事情。單數(1.3.5.7.9)在中國人的眼中代表不吉利，雙數(2.6.8.10)就代表好事，所以中國人常說「好事成雙」。除了數字4對中國人來說代表不吉利外，因為發音與「死」相近。大部分的中國人喜歡「6」代表「六六大順」、「8」與「發」的發音表示「發財」與「賺大錢」。小孩常常會說些吉祥話向是「恭喜發財」、「新年快樂」，雙手環抱鞠躬來拿取紅包，當長輩看到小孩可愛的模樣，很難說「不」。

星期六就是農曆除夕(又稱大年夜)，所有家中的成員會一起吃年夜飯(又稱圍爐)。年菜中一定會有鱼(象徵著年年有餘)、油角、年糕、羅漢齋等象徵著繁榮興旺。年夜飯也是一年當中最重要的一頓晚餐，傳統的習俗家人會再吃完年夜飯後到廟裡燒香祈求未來的一年平安順遂，但這幾年比較受歡迎的是除夕的跨年守歲活動。有些家庭在初一的早上會吃水餃，因為水餃的形狀和古時候的錢「元寶」相似，象徵著新的一年衣食無缺，有些家庭甚至會在水餃中包入新的硬幣，當你吃到包了錢幣的水餃會帶給你一年的好運。

在大年初一人們會去向家中的長輩拜年，有時需要長途跋涉或是搭乘大眾交通工具像是火車。的鼠年中國遇到非常大的暴風雪，影響到上百萬人的返鄉之路。這天也是舞龍、舞獅與鞭炮聲齊鳴的時刻，比較大的城市像是北京和香港更將這種表演當成公眾的演出。農曆的初二也就是回娘家，這天所有出嫁的女兒，會從夫家返回家中探視他們的雙親或是祖父母。對少數人而言，這幾天需要花額外的時間返家探親與拜年。

經過三到四天的假期，大部分的人在農曆初五會回到工作崗位。但是過節的氣氛還是延續，人們還是會吃特別的食物與放鞭炮(煙火)。但相對的就比較少去跟親戚拜年。

農曆春節的第15天就是元宵節，這一天到處充滿著燈籠，公園與大眾場所也會掛滿著紅色的燈籠。也有大的展示會場展示各式各樣精刁細琢的花燈，小孩子則會提著小燈籠玩耍。也有一種稱為湯圓(裡面包著各種餡料，像是紅豆、芝麻、花生或是鮮肉)，人們會在燈光與花燈籠罩的氣氛下享用湯圓。

新年快樂。

Giving Thanks

I have been to a few Thanksgiving dinners and it always reminds me of many of our festivals. Pray, eat, recover. And there is always more than enough food left for tomorrow. I especially like the pumpkin pie. That might be America’s greatest contribution to world cuisine. Pumpkin pie and chocolate chip cookies. They can invade everybody and pretend to be the world’s police as long as they keep making pumpkin pie.

Happy New Year

Rosh Hashanah ended at sunset. Now we’re in the Yamim Noraim, ending with Yom Kippur.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam shehecheyanu v'kiyimanu v'higi'anu laz'man hazeh.

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem.

Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

Dragon Boat Day

Nobody really knows how or why 端午節 started but the most popular story is that of 屈原, a royal advisor between 320 to 300 BCE. When 屈原 fell out of favour he went into exile and wrote a lot of poetry. Either disgusted by the state of government corruption or because of changing dynasties 屈原 jumped into the nearest river and drowned. Out of respect for the poet, people raced their boats onto the river and threw food in so the fish wouldn’t eat his body.

Most of that is fantasy and today’s Dragon Boat Festival was called something else a few thousand years ago. But 屈原 really is an important poet of that period and I suppose any excuse to steam up some 糭子 is a good one.

My Favourite Sedarim

The time I accidentally brought two dates. As an unwritten rule we try not to bring anybody we are not serious about. Not that anybody would mind but we like to save the real torture for those who deserve it most. I was not really serious about either of them but I was a young rebel at the time and I had completely forgotten that I’d invited one when I invited the other. It was uncomfortable for a few people, especially my dates, but I thought it was funny. This was probably my mother’s favourite seder because she got to interrogate two boys for the price of one.

Spring Cleaning

This year’s seder was pretty much like any other. My grandmother, mother and I cooked the meal. We did a wonderful job. We all took turns reading the haggadah. Most of us argued about politics, with Ria and I on one end and the men on the other. My grandfather and I drank too much. He always used to be able to drink me under the table but I think his advancing years are finally catching up with him. Soon the student will be the teacher.