How To Have Cyber Sex

[Warning: Don't read this if you're my mother.]


Gandolf419: What do you look like?

swtNsXy_18: im tall n thin blond hair 36D-24-36 wearing a pink tank top black micro shorts n hi heels what u look like?

Gandolf419: I’m 5’3”, 290lbs, balding, hairy back, coke bottle glasses. I’m wearing khaki shorts I got from Sears in 1988 and a Kiss t-shirt with sweat stains down the sides.

Gandolf419: Where are you now?

swtNsXy_18: im all alone in my room im so lonely where u at?

Gandolf419: I’m in my studio apartment overlooking the repo yard. My room smells like old tuna fish and socks.

swtNsXy_18: ur funny :)

Gandolf419: You are who you eat.

swtNsXy_18: u like vegtables?

Gandolf419: You mean gardening?

swtNsXy_18: u can say that sorta

swtNsXy_18: u wanna get sexxy with vegtables?

Gandolf419: I’d love to.

Gandolf419: I bend you over to harvest your crops.

swtNsXy_18: mmm nice

Gandolf419: I watch as you water your pumpkin patch.

Gandolf419: Can you handle my plow?

swtNsXy_18: um ok

Gandolf419: It’s a really big plow.

swtNsXy_18: how big?

Gandolf419: John Deere.

Gandolf419: At least a 10 footer.

swtNsXy_18: wow that IS big what u gonna do with that plow?

Gandolf419: I’m going to plant lettuce and cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

Gandolf419: Maybe some cauliflower.

swtNsXy_18: i was thinking like sex things with vegtabels

swtNsXy_18: can u b more sexxy?

Gandolf419: Anything for you, my sweet.

Gandolf419: I caress your lettuce as you massage my brussel sprouts.

Gandolf419: I start to gently lick the tip of your spinach.

swtNsXy_18: spinach dont turn me on im thinking like cucumers n shit

Gandolf419: I rub your cucumbers all over my cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: ur suposed to b the 1 with the cucumer r u a chick?

Gandolf419: I assure you, my dear, I’m all man.

swtNsXy_18: then get sexxy

Gandolf419: Maybe gardening isn’t for me.

Gandolf419: How about a little role play?

swtNsXy_18: ok sounds gd

Gandolf419: What do you want to be?

swtNsXy_18: ima yung n inicent skool gurl

Gandolf419: I’m a bull elephant. Strong, hung and smelling of stale urine and week-old crusted dung.

swtNsXy_18: opps i think i dropped my back pack

swtNsXy_18: lol hu?

Gandolf419: I stomp the ground and flap my ears. You’ve invaded my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i bend over 2 pick it up

Gandolf419: I spray musky urine all over the place to mark my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i start 2 unzip ur pants

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t wear pants.

swtNsXy_18: ur not a elepaphant that’s the game

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t play games. We stampede your ass.

swtNsXy_18: b serius

Gandolf419: My dear, few things are more serious than a bull elephant stampeding your ass.

swtNsXy_18: u like anal?

Gandolf419: With a mighty roar of my trunk I stampede. You are caught helpless under my towering frame. The last thing you see before you slump into unconsciousness are my huge legs crashing down upon you.

swtNsXy_18: this isnt sexxy

Gandolf419: I’m hard.

Gandolf419: Elephant hard.

Gandolf419: Spank me and call me Dumbo.

swtNsXy_18: u like bein spanked?

Gandolf419: I’d rather dominate you.

swtNsXy_18: ok i like that tell me what to do

Gandolf419: Lay down on the floor. I put on my enchanted robe.

swtNsXy_18: ok im down on the floor

Gandolf419: Now spread your arms and legs out wide.

swtNsXy_18: mmm yea im spread real wide 4 u

Gandolf419: I need my hat of wonderment.

swtNsXy_18: u want me 2 take my close off 4 u?

Gandolf419: No need.

swtNsXy_18: or r u gonna do it?

Gandolf419: I cast an Ergon Level 3 metabolic spell on you. Suddenly you’re a beautiful woman.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

swtNsXy_18: HEY!

Gandolf419: Calling out to the Inner Sanctum Demons of Tra’anfar I cast a Level 100 erospell on you.

swtNsXy_18: what?

Gandolf419: I invoke the wrath of Aeor the Magnificent and transform your vagina into an open realm of intergalactic transportation.

swtNsXy_18: this is stupit

Gandolf419: Sensing that this is a great task before me I pull the reserve Ambillant Orb from my robe and cast a Level 500 spell of Orisis on you.

swtNsXy_18: ur the worst cyber partner ever

Gandolf419: Silence, mortal!

Gandolf419: I cast a Level 1,000 spell of the Dammed and drain your lifeforce into my golden chalice. Your empty shell body withers and turns to dust.

Gandolf419: I call on the mighty forces of Wilton to blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth and beyond.

swtNsXy_18: dont ever pm me agin u loozer

Gandolf419: Mind control robots enter the room and try to steal my magic robe but they don’t know I have the Amulet of Adar.

Gandolf419: The robots want to have sex with your charred clothes, but I intervene and protect your honor. I cast a Force of Plenty spell on them and they morph into wood nymphs.

Gandolf419: General Washington rides into the room on a tall white steed and bequeaths on me a medal for my bravery. I’m Time’s Man of the year.

Gandolf419: I’m gonna cum.