Say Hello to All Those Wayward Eyes

I have no idea when Easter is celebrated throughout the world. I know it has something to do with Spring and falls at different times each year. But I know that it must be Easter time.

A group of Arabs in Dearborn, Michigan are protesting a local Presbyterian church’s Easter egg hunt, dubbed an “eggstravaganza”.

I know how Arabs in the United States feel. More or less. I grew up in South Africa. Not exactly a bastion of Judaism. Most of the people around me were Christians. Mostly because I was not allowed to spend any serious amount of time with any black Africans and their less than Christian religions. Actually, I have no idea how Arabs in the United States feel. They can hang out with whomever they want.

I was surrounded by Christians through no fault of my own. People in the United States can surround themselves with pretty much anything.

I never understood the Easter egg concept. Rabbits laying coloured chicken eggs symbolise Jesus rising from the dead somehow. But I was never offended by Christians having an Easter egg hunt. The children seem to enjoy it and it hurts absolutely nobody. Unless you are vegan it should not be a problem.

The issue in this fabricated controversy is supposed to be that pamphlets for this egg hunt were handed out at a local school. The United States has a separation of church and state. Supposedly. That means that the state is not allowed to tell people how to worship. Supposedly.

I can get behind that. I do not want any government anywhere in the world telling me how to pray. Whether I voted for you or not it is absolutely none of your business. But in this instance no American government agency was handing out pamphlets or advertising this event. The local church did that and, this part might be important, the egg hunt was open to anybody and everybody, regardless of religious persuasion. Muslim children were just as welcome to dig around for chicken eggs as anybody else.

The school was not at all involved. As far as I know. Pamphlets were handed out at the school because this is a neighbourhood event for children. Schools are a good place to find flocks of children in their natural habitat. The school did not force anybody to worship anything in any way. It did not force anybody to attend the egg hunt. Blaming the school for this is like blaming the road when your car runs out of fuel. And once you take the school out of it there is no church and state issue.

Far more troubling than the Easter egg hunt is that many Christians eat ham for dinner on a day set aside to honour Jesus. Did Jesus eat pork? Even more disturbing is that this event was called an eggstravaganza. That alone deserves an honour killing.

Happy New Year

Rosh Hashanah ended at sunset. Now we’re in the Yamim Noraim, ending with Yom Kippur.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam shehecheyanu v'kiyimanu v'higi'anu laz'man hazeh.

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem.

Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

My Favourite Sedarim

The time I accidentally brought two dates. As an unwritten rule we try not to bring anybody we are not serious about. Not that anybody would mind but we like to save the real torture for those who deserve it most. I was not really serious about either of them but I was a young rebel at the time and I had completely forgotten that I’d invited one when I invited the other. It was uncomfortable for a few people, especially my dates, but I thought it was funny. This was probably my mother’s favourite seder because she got to interrogate two boys for the price of one.

Pesach

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech haO’lam shehheh chehyanu vehki yehmanu vehheganu lazman hazeh.

En kelohenu. En kadonenu. En kemalkenu. En kemoshi’enu.
Mi kelohenu. Mi kadonenu. Mi kemalkenu. Mi kemoshi’enu.
Nodeh lelohenu. Nodeh ladonenu. Nodeh lemalkenu. Nodeh lemoshi’enu.
Barukh Elohenu. Barukh Adonenu. Barukh Malkenu. Barukh Moshi’enu.
Atah hu Elohenu. Atah hu Adonenu. Atah hu Malkenu. Atah hu Moshi’enu.
Atah hu shehiqtiru abotenu, lefanekha eth qetoreth hasamim.

Chappy Chanukkah

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh haolam, sheasa nisim laavoteinu bayamim haheim baz’man haze.

If you're into that sort of thing.

Christmas vs Hanukkah

In some countries people actually get offended if you say “Happy Christmas” because it excludes other festivals. To me this is absurd. You don’t have to include us in your important day because we have our own important days. Quite honestly, I’ve never wished somebody a happy Columbus Day just to include them in our celebration. They’d likely think that was absurd too. When I lived in America I was never offended by people who said “Happy Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”. Christmas was the day they were celebrating.

Happy New Year

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem. L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi.

Rosh Hashanah and the Yamim Noraim begin at sunset today.

Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

The Chosen People

GOD NAMES NEXT "CHOSEN PEOPLE"; IT'S JEWS AGAIN
"Oh Shit," Say Jews

JERUSALEM — Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning.

Asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn't be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi Ben Meyerson shrugged. "Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled," he said. "We should also enjoy a good swift kick in the head, but for some reason, we don't.

"Now don't ask such questions until you watch the news, or read history, or at least rent Fiddler on the Roof."

Much of the world's re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. "It's always been considered a joke with us. You know, 'Please G-d, next time choose someone else,' ha ha," said New York City resident David Bashert.

"Ha. Ha ha," Bashert added. "Shit."

According to a worldwide survey of faiths, not a single group expressed an interest in being chosen, and the only application submitted before last night's filing deadline, on behalf of the Islamic people, proved to be a fake.

"Somebody filled out a form and signed our name to it, but I guarantee it wasn't us," said Imam Yusuf Al Muhammed of Medina, Saudi Arabia. "I'm not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew."

"Oh, don't be such a k'vatsh," responded Meyerson. "It's only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you would have gotten used to the universal hatred thing."

Due to the absence of voluntary candidates, God's Law stipulated that the Almighty had to choose a people at random to serve out the next 10-millenia term. Elias Contreau, director of the International Interfaith Working Group, said he wasn't surprised it came to a blind drawing.

"According to the Bible, God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him," said Contreau. "Who knows, maybe that sounded good at the time, or maybe 'blessed' meant something different back then, like 'Short periods of prosperity interrupted by insufferable friggin' chaos.' Whatever, I think it's safe to say that people didn't know what they were agreeing to."

Now they do, Contreau added, which he said explains why so many religions had lately been exalting God's existence, but downplaying their own.

"We were not avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if Anyone asks, we're out," insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. George Carey, who had called off services during February. "Besides, we weren't the only ones. I didn't see the Hindus raising their hands."

"Now look, it's like we told the ethereal vision who dropped off the application, 'Sure, we have a strong shared faith and all that, but I wouldn't exactly say we're a 'people,' not really,'" recalled Hindu leader Samuldrala Swami Maharaj of Calcutta. "Plus, you know, I told him we had a lot of other commitments. We'd like to help, honestly. Another time, maybe."

In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders said they will propose an amendment to God's Law prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. "Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer," said Meyerson. "No, wait, that's what got us into this."

Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God's chosen people. However, explained Archbishop Carey, "It only seems that way because so many people don't like you."

Copyright © 2002 SatireWire

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