Happy Solar New Year

For those of you who use the solar calendar. The rest of us [Hebrew, Arab, Chinese and many Asian and African cultures] will do our lunar new year at other times.

Chappy Chanukkah

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh haolam, sheasa nisim laavoteinu bayamim haheim baz’man haze.

If you're into that sort of thing.

Christmas vs Hanukkah

In some countries people actually get offended if you say “Happy Christmas” because it excludes other festivals. To me this is absurd. You don’t have to include us in your important day because we have our own important days. Quite honestly, I’ve never wished somebody a happy Columbus Day just to include them in our celebration. They’d likely think that was absurd too. When I lived in America I was never offended by people who said “Happy Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”. Christmas was the day they were celebrating.

Happy Christmas

If you're into that sort of thing.

No Comment

It seems I accidentally disabled comments. So if you tried to post one and couldn’t, that’s why. It’s nothing personal.

Mea culpa.

It’s all fixed now so to all my devoted fans out there, post away. Both of you.

John Lennon

I’ve always liked all kinds of music. I’d be just as comfortable at a free-style rap competition as in a smoke-filled jazz club. That’s to say I’d be equally uncomfortable in both. I like the music but I don’t like cigarette smoke or spontaneous stabbings.

Interview with My Grandmother

Yom huledet same'ach. Ani ohevet otach.

How To Have Cyber Sex

[Warning: Don't read this if you're my mother.]


Gandolf419: What do you look like?

swtNsXy_18: im tall n thin blond hair 36D-24-36 wearing a pink tank top black micro shorts n hi heels what u look like?

Gandolf419: I’m 5’3”, 290lbs, balding, hairy back, coke bottle glasses. I’m wearing khaki shorts I got from Sears in 1988 and a Kiss t-shirt with sweat stains down the sides.

Gandolf419: Where are you now?

swtNsXy_18: im all alone in my room im so lonely where u at?

Gandolf419: I’m in my studio apartment overlooking the repo yard. My room smells like old tuna fish and socks.

swtNsXy_18: ur funny :)

Gandolf419: You are who you eat.

swtNsXy_18: u like vegtables?

Gandolf419: You mean gardening?

swtNsXy_18: u can say that sorta

swtNsXy_18: u wanna get sexxy with vegtables?

Gandolf419: I’d love to.

Gandolf419: I bend you over to harvest your crops.

swtNsXy_18: mmm nice

Gandolf419: I watch as you water your pumpkin patch.

Gandolf419: Can you handle my plow?

swtNsXy_18: um ok

Gandolf419: It’s a really big plow.

swtNsXy_18: how big?

Gandolf419: John Deere.

Gandolf419: At least a 10 footer.

swtNsXy_18: wow that IS big what u gonna do with that plow?

Gandolf419: I’m going to plant lettuce and cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

Gandolf419: Maybe some cauliflower.

swtNsXy_18: i was thinking like sex things with vegtabels

swtNsXy_18: can u b more sexxy?

Gandolf419: Anything for you, my sweet.

Gandolf419: I caress your lettuce as you massage my brussel sprouts.

Gandolf419: I start to gently lick the tip of your spinach.

swtNsXy_18: spinach dont turn me on im thinking like cucumers n shit

Gandolf419: I rub your cucumbers all over my cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: ur suposed to b the 1 with the cucumer r u a chick?

Gandolf419: I assure you, my dear, I’m all man.

swtNsXy_18: then get sexxy

Gandolf419: Maybe gardening isn’t for me.

Gandolf419: How about a little role play?

swtNsXy_18: ok sounds gd

Gandolf419: What do you want to be?

swtNsXy_18: ima yung n inicent skool gurl

Gandolf419: I’m a bull elephant. Strong, hung and smelling of stale urine and week-old crusted dung.

swtNsXy_18: opps i think i dropped my back pack

swtNsXy_18: lol hu?

Gandolf419: I stomp the ground and flap my ears. You’ve invaded my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i bend over 2 pick it up

Gandolf419: I spray musky urine all over the place to mark my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i start 2 unzip ur pants

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t wear pants.

swtNsXy_18: ur not a elepaphant that’s the game

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t play games. We stampede your ass.

swtNsXy_18: b serius

Gandolf419: My dear, few things are more serious than a bull elephant stampeding your ass.

swtNsXy_18: u like anal?

Gandolf419: With a mighty roar of my trunk I stampede. You are caught helpless under my towering frame. The last thing you see before you slump into unconsciousness are my huge legs crashing down upon you.

swtNsXy_18: this isnt sexxy

Gandolf419: I’m hard.

Gandolf419: Elephant hard.

Gandolf419: Spank me and call me Dumbo.

swtNsXy_18: u like bein spanked?

Gandolf419: I’d rather dominate you.

swtNsXy_18: ok i like that tell me what to do

Gandolf419: Lay down on the floor. I put on my enchanted robe.

swtNsXy_18: ok im down on the floor

Gandolf419: Now spread your arms and legs out wide.

swtNsXy_18: mmm yea im spread real wide 4 u

Gandolf419: I need my hat of wonderment.

swtNsXy_18: u want me 2 take my close off 4 u?

Gandolf419: No need.

swtNsXy_18: or r u gonna do it?

Gandolf419: I cast an Ergon Level 3 metabolic spell on you. Suddenly you’re a beautiful woman.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

swtNsXy_18: HEY!

Gandolf419: Calling out to the Inner Sanctum Demons of Tra’anfar I cast a Level 100 erospell on you.

swtNsXy_18: what?

Gandolf419: I invoke the wrath of Aeor the Magnificent and transform your vagina into an open realm of intergalactic transportation.

swtNsXy_18: this is stupit

Gandolf419: Sensing that this is a great task before me I pull the reserve Ambillant Orb from my robe and cast a Level 500 spell of Orisis on you.

swtNsXy_18: ur the worst cyber partner ever

Gandolf419: Silence, mortal!

Gandolf419: I cast a Level 1,000 spell of the Dammed and drain your lifeforce into my golden chalice. Your empty shell body withers and turns to dust.

Gandolf419: I call on the mighty forces of Wilton to blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth and beyond.

swtNsXy_18: dont ever pm me agin u loozer

Gandolf419: Mind control robots enter the room and try to steal my magic robe but they don’t know I have the Amulet of Adar.

Gandolf419: The robots want to have sex with your charred clothes, but I intervene and protect your honor. I cast a Force of Plenty spell on them and they morph into wood nymphs.

Gandolf419: General Washington rides into the room on a tall white steed and bequeaths on me a medal for my bravery. I’m Time’s Man of the year.

Gandolf419: I’m gonna cum.

The Dating Game: Horror Stories

When he finished his esophagial emancipation proclamation he stood up, did a few stretches and asked me if I was ready to go on. I was. I was ready to go on home. In trying to impress me or himself or somebody he only disgusted me. Even if he hadn’t gorged himself at lunch I wouldn’t have been impressed by his running abilities. Lots of people can run farther and faster than me. So what? That’s not going to get you into my bed. By eating the way he did he only showed me that he doesn’t think things through. By refusing my suggestions and assistance every step of the way he told me that he wasn’t interested in my input. None of this is really the impression you should want to make on a first date.

And letting your lunch roam free in the great outdoors doesn’t help either.

So a Priest Enters a School...

Priest gets probation for jogging nude at track

20 November 2008

Greeley, Colorado, USA. (AP) — A Catholic priest convicted of indecent exposure for jogging naked around a track at a high school has been sentenced to five years probation.

Rev. Robert Whipkey must also complete 100 hours of community service and register as a sex offender under the sentence handed down Thursday in Weld County District Court.

The Denver archdiocese said Whipkey, of Frederick, was placed on leave last year. He officiated at parishes in Frederick, Mead and Erie. He was arrested about an hour before sunrise on June 22, 2007.

Dressed in a blue shirt and slacks, Whipkey told Judge Timothy Kerns that the conviction has ruined his life and that he is unemployed.

Where Do I Stand Politically?

That’s a good question. The answer depends whose definitions you use.

In South Afrika I was considered radically liberal by the whites because I vehemently opposed apartheid.

In America I couldn’t be liberal because I oppose abortion but I couldn’t be conservative because I oppose capital punishment.

In China I was ultra-conservative because I’m not all that keen on communism. Some of it sounds good on paper but there’s never been a communist country that wasn’t a dictatorship.

In Israel I’m considered liberal because of my views on Palestine. The fact that I call it Palestine tells you something.

Does that answer your question?

...Or to Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles

AH-1 Tzefa
© Bell Helicopter

Home for at least 1 more year

Joke of the Day

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A finite number. One to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

Der Körper und das Fleisch

[Warning: This post contains 2 graphic images. One is from a movie. It’s fake. Mostly makeup and rubber. It’s not real. The other is from a public execution. It’s not visually graphic but some may find it disturbing anyway. Otherwise everything else is safe for all ages in my opinion.]


Acceptable for all audiences

Restricted

Legal

Illegal

Decent

Indecent

Beachwear around the world
Switzerland

Israel

South Afrika

China

Saudi Arabia

All pictures above are probably under copyright but I’m not going to bother finding out who owns what. The film stills are from Tokyo zankoku keisatsu (© Fever Dreams) and American Beauty (© DreamWorks).

Party Politics and You

The party banners
(right to left, because that’s how we do it in Hebrew)
Ra’am, Gil, Hadash, Balad
Yisrael Beiteinu, HaIhud HaLeumi, Yahadut HaTorah HaMeukhedet, Meretz-Yachad
Kadima, Avoda, Likud, Shas

The Big Election

I’ve been following the endless circus of the American presidential election the way somebody’s fascinated with the aftermath of a 12-car pile-up on the highway. But now I’ve bigger fish to fry.

Why I’m Not a Nudist

[April 2013 note: This was always one of the most popular posts. I almost feel bad about deleting it. I suppose people who want to read it could always buy the book. No pre$$ure.]


A quiet, undisclosed location

Yoel the Bar Mitzvah

Papa and I at my bat mitzvah simcha

God Versus G-d

Hey, Mia. Why do you say God and not G-d? I thought Jews are not supposed to write out “God”.

I’m glad you asked. Jews are indeed not supposed to write “God” on paper because it can be torn, burnt or mutilated. This does not apply to blogs. Even if you set your computer on fire, God will still appear on mine. You could even say the word God was never really there at all. As far as my computer is concerned, I typed 10010010101001.

Dave and the Typhoons

Can’t he just have classes in the church, you ask. Have you ever been inside a Christian church? It is good for a lecture hall but a terrible place to hold several classes simultaneously. Chinese students, especially children, are easily distracted when taking a class as foreign as English. You need all those little rooms to keep their eyes on the lesson. If the class next door were not divided by a wall they would never pay attention to the teacher.


Nasa images of category 2, 4 and 5 typhoons


Dave’s church, RIP
The building on the right was the school

Atoned

I’m sure I was a difficult teenager. I broke my mother’s heart more times than I want to remember. Where my older sisters were proper young ladies who crossed their ankles when they sat and wore white gloves into town I rebelled against almost anything. I was Johnny Strabler, they were Meg and Beth. Ria was torn between emulating the wild one and the little women.

Sometimes I joke about my mother being a pain in the tuchas. Sometimes she is. Sometimes I’m a pain to her. We still love each other. We always have and always will. She’s my mother and I’m her daughter.

Sarah Palin

Is Palin experienced enough to be vice president? That’s ironic when Obama supporters ask. Does she have any foreign policy experience? Did Reagan, Carter, Clinton or Bush have any? Maybe Bush is a bad example. Why doesn’t she do interviews? Frankly I’m glad she doesn’t. I see enough of these people already.

Would I vote for her? No, I’d vote for one of the presidential candidates. I don’t think the vice presidential candidate is that important. People say McCain’s old so she could become president. That’s as insulting as saying Obama’s black so Biden could become president. They’re both true but why is it ok to say an old guy in good health could drop dead at any time but it’s bad to say a black president might be assassinated in such a divisive country?

Poor Joe Biden. Nobody talks about him.

Happy New Year

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem. L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi.

Rosh Hashanah and the Yamim Noraim begin at sunset today.

Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

Requiescat in Pace

Another great actor gone.

Martin Ritt’s The Long, Hot Summer, Paris Blues, Hud, The Outrage, Hombre
Stuart Rosenberg’s Cool Hand Luke, Pocket Money, The Drowning Pool
Richard Brooks’ Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, Sweet Bird of Youth
Robert Altman’s Buffalo Bill and the Indians, Quintet
John Huston’s The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, The Mackintosh Man
George Roy Hill’s Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Sting
Alfred Hitchcock’s Torn Curtain
James Ivory’s Mr and Mrs Bridge
Sidney Pollack’s Absence of Malice
Sam Mendes’ Road to Perdition
Daniel Petrie’s Fort Apache, the Bronx
Robert Rossen’s The Hustler
Otto Preminger’s Exodus
Robert Wise’s Somebody Up There Likes Me
Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict
Joel and Ethan Coen’s The Hudsucker Proxy
Robert Benton’s Nobody’s Fool, Twilight
Martin Scorcese’s The Color of Money
Leo McCarey’s Rally Round the Flag, Boys
Roland Joffe’s Fat Man and Little Boy
Luis Mendoki’s Message in a Bottle
and Newman’s own Sometimes a Great Notion, Harry and Son.

What else is there to say?

Paul McCartney in Israel

Paul and I arrived in Israel close to each other. More so by time than space. He came on a private jet. I came packed into a 747 with 200 other people. You can fly from London to Tel Aviv directly in about five hours. Shanghai to Tel Aviv is about 18 hours with a connection in Bangkok. He checked into several floors of an overpriced seafront hotel. I went home to my apartment facing the mountains. He made a few tourist stops. I went to sleep.

Then came the sound checks. I was walking through Ganei Yehoshua and I heard Paul tell me to get back. I was confused. This is my park. I live here. And why is he singing his warning? Stop calling me Jo Jo.

There is something surreal about walking through your local park and hearing Paul McCartney sing a few songs with his band. It is not that common to hear from a CD player but far less so to hear it from Paul himself. I would have gone closer to have a look but large men with automatic weapons suggested I not. Still it was a nice little show and I heard it for free. I did not get to see anything but neither did the people who paid for the overpriced seats at the later show itself.

Cunning Linguists

Some would say Jie Yi speaks two languages, 中文 [Chinese] and 英語 [English]. She would say she speaks four, 官話 [Mandarin], 吳語 [Wu], 徽語 [Hui] and 英語 [English]. This is where it gets interesting, to me at least. I can recognise how this might be very boring to some. If 中文 is a language then 官話 and 吳語 are dialects. If 中文 is really a linguistic group then 官話 and 吳語 are languages. No matter how you want to classify these things 徽語 is really a dialect of 吳語. It’s like calling 美語 and 英語 different languages. They are but they’re really not.

I’m undecided. If they’re all really dialects then why do each of them have their own dialects? And why do they sound so different? Somebody speaking 官話 might not recognise somebody speaking 吳語. But if they’re really different languages then why do they all have the same written language for the most part? If you can read 中文 then you can read 官話, 吳語, 徽語.

Civil Obedience

From my point of view I have 2 homelands. Israel, land of my ancestors, a few thousand years ago. And South Afrika, land of my birth, more recently. Both are losing their leaders.

Things can only get better in Israel. South Africa is in for tough times ahead.

China Journal ‘08: 江蘇

江蘇

長江

网师园

Land of many lakes

南京

中秋節



夫子廟

水乡



Part of the 1000km coastline



摄于南京中山陵



Jie Yi’s family cemetery

Richard Wright RIP

He died Monday of cancer. It’s really a greater loss than most people will realise. The pretentious people will always argue about Gilmour vs Barrett or Waters vs Gilmour. No matter which period you prefer Wright was there. His keyboard defined the Pink Floyd sound from Barrett’s psychedelic pop songs to Gilmour’s crying guitar to Waters’ angst and superstardom and back to Gilmour again. He was there before Gilmour and after Waters. You could fire him from the band but you couldn’t keep him away.

Chinese Driving Tips

I made the mistake of driving in 南京. I really didn’t want to drive during this trip. I drove too much when I lived in 安徽. My views on drivers in China is nothing new. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. They’re without doubt the worst drivers in the world.

Chinese Astrology: Just Me

If I were Chinese I’d accept my fate. But I’m Jewish. We fight back. Not so much in the first 5000 years but we’ve figured it out lately. As accurate as most of this information is I don’t believe we’re all doomed to live the way some chart says we will. I think the predictions mostly come true because people believe they will. They subconsciously or consciously make it happen. I choose to reject the bad and embrace the good. I will have children and we will have a great relationship. I’ll move the stars to make that happen.

Chinese Astrology: Four Sisters

I didn’t know anything about Chinese astrology before I moved here. I think I was vaguely aware that it was the Year of the Sheep but I didn’t know what that meant or how pertinent that was to me personally. I looked into it out of curiosity and then started to study it deeper. I don’t think I am who I am because of what year I was born in or how the stars were aligned but there are some interesting parallels between astrology and relationships in my family.

Everybody Loves the Sound of a Train in the Distance

Taking the train to 雲林.

China Journal ‘08: 雲林

雲林 rice paddies

Dave’s place

天后宮



Beast of burden

More rice paddies

The most expensive real estate district
[with a scenic view of rice paddies]

The long and straight road that leads to 雲林