How to be Celibate

The psychological part is easy for me. I have been in an actual impact descent. It is nothing like the simulator. In the simulator you know that you are going to crash. You wake up in the morning knowing that you are going to crash several times that day. You also know that you will very likely survive. There are professional divers in the pool with plenty of oxygen for everybody. There are trained emergency medical personnel nearby just in case something goes awry. You know exactly where you are at all times and will never have to deal with environmental situations other than the water in the pool. Once you get out of the water you are done. There is no floating around in the ocean for days waiting for somebody to find you. None of this is available in a real crash.



Some of my favourite actors

Ants in My Pants

I never had any kind of curtains on my windows in China. My bedroom and laundry room faced a field. The other side of the house faced another house but my kitchen was at roof level with the house across the street. Without curtains the light from my windows attracted all manner of flying insects at night. The flying insects attracted geckos. I grew up with geckos, especially in Durban, so they do not bother me.

My Favourite Climbing Partner

He found a new life, got himself an education and married the woman of his dreams. He named his first two daughters after his real parents and kept searching for more information about the past while he and his wife built a future. They were the happiest couple I have ever seen. I’m sure they argued from time to time but I do not remember that. What I remember was two people who genuinely loved each other and never held back on displaying affection in public. When I was younger I had friends who were always embarrassed when their parents kissed each other or them. I never was. Probably because it happened all the time. It was completely natural to me.

Ngiyanemukela

I think it was in the United States once, even though Americans do not care much about football. They have a completely different game they call football. It is more like rugby. Americans may not care about football and their team has never won the World Cup but they have to host it because their people are more willing than Asians and Africans to spend money frivolously. And that is really what FIFA cares about. It has nothing to do with where the most fans are or who joined their club first. South Afrika was the first country outside of Europe to join and it only took 100 years to host.

But My TV Said So

If your TV is anything like mine it told you that crime rates in China are rising and it is almost impossible to really know what the figures are. But your TV probably never mentioned that Chinese schools are amongst the safest in the world. School shootings are unheard of. There are no gangs. Not in the schools at least. Chinese gangs are more interesting in controlling gambling than recruiting children. Teen pregnancy is not simply well hidden. It is really not an issue. Most teenagers stay away from sex to avoid family shame. That still means something to the Chinese. It is also very hard to find any privacy when you live with several generations in the same house.

As-Salamu Alaykum

Catholics have a pope. If he tells them all to wear blue shirts you will hear about it. You will probably even see a few people wearing blue shirts. Jews have not had any central leader since the temple was destroyed. There are community leaders all over the place and influential organisations. Israel's Chief Rabbinate is generally regarded as the highest governing body, though many people in other countries disagree. If they tell everybody to wear blue shirts you might hear about it. I'm not sure how many people would actually do it. Muslims have different leaders in different countries. Iran has their ayatollah but he is mostly a political leader. He does not hold much sway outside of Iran. If he told everybody to wear blue shirts you would probably never hear about it and it is even less likely you would see anybody do it.

Thou Shalt Not Proselytise

In my experience the least tolerant are the atheists. They will often accuse anybody with a different point of view of “bible thumping” even when such people never quote their particular bible or push any belief. The atheists always seem much angrier than anybody else. Online at least. People often behave very differently offline. Even the most fire and brimstone Christians cannot match the hateful online rhetoric of some atheists.

I do not need anybody telling me that Jesus died for my sins and I do not believe that he did. But the people who say so usually also tell you to have a nice day and are much friendlier than the atheists who blame anybody with faith for all that is wrong with the world. If religious people are so judgemental and want everybody to believe what they believe and the atheists are supposed to be the opposite then should they not be more open minded toward different beliefs?

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

The other day I crashed 6 helicopters into a corvette, killing a total of 21 passengers, 8 flight crew, 2 ground crew and sometimes myself. Not to mention destroying $20 million in equipment. Fortunately, this was all done in a simulator.


 
This is how it looks live. As you can see there is very little margin for error.

Sometimes You Should Shoot the Messenger

Nixon was more qualified to be president than Kennedy in 1960. He took his work more seriously and earned everything he had, as opposed to Kennedy’s sense of entitlement. Kennedy was barely younger but looked much younger and he was far more comfortable in front of the camera. He probably won because of the televised debates.

Carter was much younger than Ford and had a full head of hair at the time. Ford was winning the election until they went on TV together. When Carter was the incumbent he was winning until he went on TV with Reagan, a former actor. Reagan won in a landslide.

Dukakis lost to the first Bush largely because he seemed distant on TV. He was also a hairy Mediterranean immigrant’s son running against a Connecticut WASP from a political dynasty.

The first Clinton was a generation younger than the first Bush and looked a lot better on TV. He was more charming and more articulate. Women wanted to sleep with him. And many did. Nobody wanted to sleep with Bush. Clinton easily won.

Obama looked young, charming, non-threatening, articulate. McCain looked old, crippled, sometimes mean. Who did you expect to win?


Gordon Brown's official Downing Street portrait

Mavet la Mickey Mouse

Israel produces propaganda also. But it is usually more upbeat. Israeli propaganda is more along the lines of Israel being a beacon of light for Jews looking to escape oppression and bigotry. I have never seen anything with Jews decapitating anybody or calling for death to anybody who draws a cartoon about Moses. I guess that is one of the differences between a stable democracy and a terrorist organisation.

War and Remembrance

Yom HaShoah is the day we commemorate the six million people who were murdered by bigotry. It is a national day of mourning and a religious observance, though the religious aspect is debated. It is one of those days when you will find secular and religious ceremonies at the same time. You can go to any government office, school, library, hospital, military instillation, synagogue, mosque, church and people will be praying and lighting candles. You hear a lot about tensions between Israelis and Arabs in the international media but I have never seen any Arab not observe the two minutes of silence. In my family it is also a day when the TV is absolutely forbidden. This is a custom I’ve grown to appreciate more as I got older. And TV programmes got worse.

I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major

Though I will probably never be on the cover of Teen People Magazine it was a valuable learning experience. I got the chance to play multiple roles in the filmmaking process. I was technically the director. Not that I can use any of it to join the DGA. I was almost always the editor. My university education in editing is what got me the job in the first place. I was usually the DP and camera operator. Sometimes I would have somebody else do the actual shooting. Sometimes I was the sound mixer, which is very different live than it is in the bay. Sometimes I was even the gaffer. Just about the only jobs I never had to do were wardrobe since almost everybody on camera just wore their uniforms, and makeup since we had a few great makeup artists.

Let’s Go For a Drive

 


 




The food pictures that I did not take are free use stock pictures. The still from Georges Méliès’ Trip to the Moon is out of copyright. The helicopter is copyright Universal Studios. I don’t know where the breastfeeding picture came from. It might have come with my OS.

Fight the Real Enemy

 

I’ve no doubt that the highest ranking Catholic leaders are an arrogant bunch. When you are in charge of the most powerful religion in the world and hold sway over a billion people with little accountability in this life you are bound to grow a thick head. But covering up the rape and molestation of who knows how many children for who knows how many centuries is not the same as murdering people who refuse to convert. Killing people is easy to rationalise. Especially people who are different. Humans have a great talent for this. Attacking children, your own children is not something most people can accept. This is the kind of thing that can really turn people off. Without all those people you lose all that power and influence. Not to mention all that money.

Mia’s Peace Plan

Set a deadline for the formal creation of a sovereign Palestine and remove all Israeli military and security forces. At that point Palestine either has to step up to the plate or get off the field. If they refuse to have their own country yet again then make the territory part of Jordan, Syria, Lebanon or some kind of UN no man’s land. Once Palestine’s leaders reject further proposals for a sovereign Palestine then they can no longer claim homeland privileges and must accept the rights and responsibilities of citizenship in whatever country Palestine is placed. If it is divided amongst several countries then its people will be given the opportunity to relocate to another area that is part of whichever country they choose.

Alternately, an election can be held at an announced date and whoever is elected will then become the leaders of what will then be called Palestine. Any country that wishes to recognise it may do so. Israel should be the first. Those Palestinians who do not want to live in a sovereign Palestine will have the option to immigrate to any other country they wish, provided that other country accepts them. Any Arab country other than Jordan probably will not but everybody is welcome to try.

Should the leaders of Palestine finally accept a sovereign country then it is their responsibility to govern and control the people and territory without reliance on Israel for their survival or blaming Isreal for all their problems. Any acts of war committed by the people of Palestine or its leaders against any other sovereign country will be subject to the same consequences every other country in the world faces.

Pesach

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech haO’lam shehheh chehyanu vehki yehmanu vehheganu lazman hazeh.

En kelohenu. En kadonenu. En kemalkenu. En kemoshi’enu.
Mi kelohenu. Mi kadonenu. Mi kemalkenu. Mi kemoshi’enu.
Nodeh lelohenu. Nodeh ladonenu. Nodeh lemalkenu. Nodeh lemoshi’enu.
Barukh Elohenu. Barukh Adonenu. Barukh Malkenu. Barukh Moshi’enu.
Atah hu Elohenu. Atah hu Adonenu. Atah hu Malkenu. Atah hu Moshi’enu.
Atah hu shehiqtiru abotenu, lefanekha eth qetoreth hasamim.

The Next Best Thing to Be

I am not dying to be married and I’m not completely baby obsessed. Yet. But I think I have reached the age that if I am dating somebody that I know I’m never going to marry then what is the point? Dating for the sake of dating seems completely natural when you are 20 but I think it looses a little something when you start to lose that endless battle between your body and gravity. Or as my mother would say I’m getting too old to act like a teenager.

Die Familie und das Fischernetz

Another simple rule about travelling to Switzerland is that it can be one of the most expensive countries in Europe. We went to Zürich, which is not the greatest place for budget travellers. Had I gone alone I would have paid a small fortune to sleep in a closet. One of the benefits of travelling with a group of people you know very well is that you can afford much nicer accommodations. We rented a house not all that far from Tina Turner’s Küsnacht Ferienhaus at Zürichsee that was very reasonable since there were so many of us.





Zürich


Chinagarten


Zürichsee

Alpen

We’re Off On the Road to Switzerland

We used to visit my grandparents in Switzerland as often as we could when I was a child. A typical winter would begin with lazy days in the ocean at home and end with a boreal summer high in the mountains of their strange little oceanless country. Switzerland is not cheese and clocks to me. It is picnics at the lake and falling asleep comfortably in front of a fire while the adults talk about the good old days. It is my grandmother sitting on my bed brushing my hair while my grandfather makes us all laugh and scream with his Frankenstein impression. My childhood memories of my grandparents and Switzerland are inextricable.

Decathlon

When I was 20 I wanted to be the next Orson Welles. Only without doing wine adverts or acting in any movie that came along just to make enough money to finance movies. The first rule they teach you in school is to never spend your own money. Welles broke that rule many times. But he saw little choice. He was respected and called the greatest filmmaker during his lifetime but few people wanted to work with him. He publicly complained that Steven Spielberg was willing to pay a record setting price for one of the Rosebud sleds but would not give him a dime to make a movie.

Commands Met

Don’t covet your neighbor's wife or property.

Check. My neighbour’s wife is attractive but I can keep my distance. As for property I’ve never been the type of person who gets jealous because somebody has better toys. People tell me I don’t have enough worldly goods. I think I have too much.

Why You Shouldn’t Post When You’ve Had a Few

It has been brought to my attention on several occasions that I tend to ramble when inebriated. I am not a sad drunk or angry drunk. I’m a talkative drunk. I just will not shut up. My sisters say that my brother-in-law and I had our most interesting political debate after we both had a few drinks. I was much more aggressive in my opinions and he had a hard time getting his words out. That was a different experience for both of us.

Purim

Im Buch Ester ist erzählt, dass Haman als oberster Beamter des Königs unbarmherzig ausgenutzt habe. Die königliche Sklaven mußte vor ihm niederbeugen. Sie waren bis zum Hals in der Scheiße stecken. Aber Mordechai habe sich als Jude Verpisst euch gesagt. Aus Rache das Haman die Vernichtung verarschen Juden beschlossen haben. Ester habe sich für die uneingeschränkte Freiheit der Juden abverlangt und Haman wurde zusammen mit tonnenweise weiteren Persern getötet. Todes ist das, was an uns vorbeizieht, während wir damit beschäftigt sind, andere Pläne zu schmieden.

A Conspiracy of One

Take any story about the Israel-Palestine conflict where the International Community expresses moral outrage over whatever bad thing Israel did and replace Israel with America or any European country and replace Palestinian terrorist with guerrilla or rebel fighter. Is the International Community ever morally outraged when Spain kills a few Basque separatists? Imagine if Quebec launched rockets into the US. Would the US apologise for not speaking French and building the Erie Canal? Or would American Marines invade the hell out of Canada? Why is there more moral outrage over Israeli soldiers defending its borders than there is over American soldiers fighting half a world away from its borders? That is a rhetorical question. I already know the answer.  

Passport to Maldives

Year of the Tiger

But they invaded Iraq at almost exactly the same time the war in Darfur began. Saddam Hussein was uncooperative and was executed for causing the deaths of about 200 people. Also there was something about weapons of far less destructive power than what Iran and North Korea are trying to build. American soldiers are still in Iraq three years after Hussein’s death. Anywhere between 150 000 and 1 million people have been killed since the invasion. The current government says there are about 5 million orphans.

Best in Show

Charlie Chaplin committed the ultimate Hollywood sin. Not his interest in teenage girls. That is fairly common. Not his communist sympathies. They are all commies. Except Chaplin who really was not. He forever ruined his Oscar chances by saying the awards were stupid. Chaplin and The Circus were nominated for best picture, director, actor, writing. After he publicly complained about the awards all the nominations were cancelled. City Lights was nominated for nothing. Cimarron won best picture that year. Remember Cimarron? Directed by Wesley Ruggles? Modern Times was nominated for nothing. The best picture was The Great Ziegfeld directed by Robert Z Leonard. Anybody remember him?

Valentine’s Day Massacre

I had B, C, D line up in front of me and remove their uniforms piece by piece. They tore off their epaulettes and peeled off their field jackets. Each was trying to disrobe more seductively than the other. They took the knee pads out of their trousers and whipped off their rigger’s belts. Next came the trousers themselves.

There is no graceful way for a man to remove his trousers. I don’t care what Jane Goodall says.

農曆新年快樂

下週日是農曆春節，在中國稱作為春節或農曆春節。在中國以外的區域稱為中國人的新年。不論你如何稱呼它，它開始於中國農民曆的第一天，不同於穆斯林與希伯來人的月曆，這個假期開始於農民曆的第一天，結束於農曆十五，最後一天就是元宵節，但是不同國家的中國人通常只慶祝剛開始的前幾天。

對於年代的排序取決於你和誰談論，新年開始慶祝於4707年或4647年。在中國的部分地區稱為民國99年(像是台灣)，年代的開始主要是因為朝代的替換，新朝代的開始就稱為元年，清朝是最後一個帝王統治的朝代，它結束於西元1911年，中華民國開始於西元1912年，近年多數的中國人開始使用羅馬的曆法而稱為西元2010年，不論你使用那種曆法(農民曆或是西洋曆)，它即將由中國生肖的牛年到今年的虎年。

在節慶的開始，家家戶戶會開始清掃門戶(又稱做大掃除)並貼上新的春聯。紅色在中國傳統是非常幸運的顏色，它也象徵了吉祥與喜樂。在春節期間，人們會用紅包裝入壓歲錢給年輕的成員。雖然到後來錢都花到7-11買東西，但裝了錢的紅包可以驅走不好的事情。單數(1.3.5.7.9)在中國人的眼中代表不吉利，雙數(2.6.8.10)就代表好事，所以中國人常說「好事成雙」。除了數字4對中國人來說代表不吉利外，因為發音與「死」相近。大部分的中國人喜歡「6」代表「六六大順」、「8」與「發」的發音表示「發財」與「賺大錢」。小孩常常會說些吉祥話向是「恭喜發財」、「新年快樂」，雙手環抱鞠躬來拿取紅包，當長輩看到小孩可愛的模樣，很難說「不」。

星期六就是農曆除夕(又稱大年夜)，所有家中的成員會一起吃年夜飯(又稱圍爐)。年菜中一定會有鱼(象徵著年年有餘)、油角、年糕、羅漢齋等象徵著繁榮興旺。年夜飯也是一年當中最重要的一頓晚餐，傳統的習俗家人會再吃完年夜飯後到廟裡燒香祈求未來的一年平安順遂，但這幾年比較受歡迎的是除夕的跨年守歲活動。有些家庭在初一的早上會吃水餃，因為水餃的形狀和古時候的錢「元寶」相似，象徵著新的一年衣食無缺，有些家庭甚至會在水餃中包入新的硬幣，當你吃到包了錢幣的水餃會帶給你一年的好運。

在大年初一人們會去向家中的長輩拜年，有時需要長途跋涉或是搭乘大眾交通工具像是火車。的鼠年中國遇到非常大的暴風雪，影響到上百萬人的返鄉之路。這天也是舞龍、舞獅與鞭炮聲齊鳴的時刻，比較大的城市像是北京和香港更將這種表演當成公眾的演出。農曆的初二也就是回娘家，這天所有出嫁的女兒，會從夫家返回家中探視他們的雙親或是祖父母。對少數人而言，這幾天需要花額外的時間返家探親與拜年。

經過三到四天的假期，大部分的人在農曆初五會回到工作崗位。但是過節的氣氛還是延續，人們還是會吃特別的食物與放鞭炮(煙火)。但相對的就比較少去跟親戚拜年。

農曆春節的第15天就是元宵節，這一天到處充滿著燈籠，公園與大眾場所也會掛滿著紅色的燈籠。也有大的展示會場展示各式各樣精刁細琢的花燈，小孩子則會提著小燈籠玩耍。也有一種稱為湯圓(裡面包著各種餡料，像是紅豆、芝麻、花生或是鮮肉)，人們會在燈光與花燈籠罩的氣氛下享用湯圓。

新年快樂。

Why Jesus Was Not the Messiah

I think that if a group of people decide to write down their own code of conduct and then another group comes along a thousand years later and rewrites it to fit their own agenda they don’t get to tell the first group what the original books said. You are more than welcome to worship Jesus or any other Jew as much as you want but when you tell us that he is our Messiah and we’ve our books and your books telling us otherwise, you can expect us to change our beliefs as much as you change yours whenever Muslims tell you the new versions of your books.

And if you could stop killing people in the name of Jesus that would be great. I’ve listed what Jesus was not. I think he also was not the kind of person who wanted his followers to kill everybody. His message was about love as far as I can tell. If you think enough of him to edit our books to make him look better then you should think enough of him to follow his main principle and be nice to each other.

Se7en

I like to watch porn. Not for the same reasons you do. I’m fascinated by women who make a living by having sex. I know men do it too but it is more socially problematic for women. If a woman told her friends that she is a porn star they would probably be horrified. If a man told his friends that he is a porn star they would probably grunt and pound their chests together.

Men are gods for getting so much tail. More so if they are paid for it. Women are just whores. I’m interested in women holding positions of power. Few things are more powerful than sex.

Fabricated Controversies

So when you say your colleagues are fucking retarded because they do not vote your way then you are actually insulting children with developmental issues. And of course their parents. We can’t forget them. They are the real heroes.  

Did Sarah Palin just call the Democrats retarded? That is very clever if that was her intent.

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Not quite that long ago.

 

Before weblogs and typing messages on Star Trek communicator pads I was a total chat room whore. At university I kept uncivilised hours and associated with ne’er-do-wells so chat rooms were perfect for me. I spent too much time in questionable rooms with people I hardly knew. Online as well. I had no company loyalty and jumped around from one server to the next. I guess Yahoo did not have chat rooms. But the largest company and the one with the most rooms by far was AOL. Anybody older than my nephew should remember a time when AOL dominated the internet. That guy saying you’ve got mail became so iconic that Nora Ephron made a movie about it.