It's All Greece To Me

And a little slice of Turkey, too.

Not the golden fleece, Volos

Mykonos

Panagia Paraportiani, Mykonos

Oia, Santorini

For years I’ve been looking at similar pictures of Santorini and thinking this church commanded a space at the top of a hill surrounded by nothing but sky and sea.

Not even close.

Santorini is famous for its sunsets.
A blind monkey couldn’t take a bad picture here.

The famous lighthouse in Chania, Crete

Etz Hayyim Synagogue in Chania, the lone survivor

A view of Chania, featuring Kioutsouk Hasan Mosque

A view from Chania

The Acropolis at Lindos, Rhodes

Acropolyptic

St, Paul’s Bay, seen from the Acropolis

Izmir, Turkey

Konak Square, Izmir

Hagia Sophia, Istanbul
formerly a church then a mosque now a museum

Galata, Istanbul, seen from Sultanahmet

Sultan Ahmet Mosque, very large and very peaceful inside.
Hagia Sophia was noisy and crowded and they’re renovating.
Since the Blue Mosque is an actual mosque it was much more relaxed.

Since I know somebody’s going to want some nude beach pictures, here you are

Warning: just looking at this picture will make you want to marry a goat.

Slippery When Wet

And what about bestiality and ultimately what about child molestation and pedophilia? How can we criminalize these things and at the same time have constitutional amendments allowing same-sex marriage among homosexuals.

-- Marion “Pat” Robertson


If you are a Marionite have somebody who can read look up the word incommensurable and explain it to you. An adult human marrying another adult human and having messy anal sex until they become bored with each other and turn their attention to reality TV has as much to do with beastiality and paedophilia as green. Beastiality is to homosexuality what hate from TV preachers is to the teachings of Jesus.

Come on feel the boyz

Picture Yourself On a Train In a Station

Another clip from China. This one had technical difficulties the first time I tried to upload it. After I edited it all is well. See if you can find the cut.

One Big Bantustan

Zuma's base

When apartheid died some apologists feared the most morally corrupt criminals would soon take over. Turns out they were right.

Glory Days

This picture looks exactly like my mother way back in the old days. It is pretty spooky. She has expressly forbade me from posting her picture on this site but she cannot say anything if I post my own. But she does anyway. Anybody who knows her would assume it is a picture of her and not me.

'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

Say Say Say
Through the years/I can’t just stand in here/my taste in furniture/you know I’m crying ooh ooh ooh

Compared to Paul’s enunciation and proper use of English, Michael sounds like a babbling street lunatic.


Beat It
Show them how fucking strong is your fight/it doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right

Before Michael went completely insane this seemed much for a PG pop idol.


Bennie and the Jets
She’s got electric boobs/her mom has two/you know I read it in a magazine

Almost everybody I’ve spoken with on this subject heard the same thing.


Tiny Dancer
Hold me close atomic dancer/count the head lice on the hiway/lay me down and sheep some lemon

Some of Taupin’s lyrics can be a little obtuse and John rarely enunciates clearly.

You'll Always Be a Baby To Me

Though she was born a long long time ago

My mother is one of those people who does not mind getting older. She simply does not want it to happen so quickly. She still thinks of herself as a thirty something. But her youngest daughter is 28. Her oldest is 36. We are constant reminders that her youth is long since passed. Sometimes she says she is middle aged. Only if she lives to 120. Assuming she is 60 now. I shall never tell.

Obligatory Obama Post

NEW FIRST DOG ARRIVES!
Suspense finally over. First Family gets new Portuguese pooch. Happy girls let dad out of the doghouse and back into the Oval Office.

FIRST LADY MICHELLE: FLAWLESSLY FABULOUS
The question on everybody’s mind: who’s America’s newest style icon wearing?

TACO TUESDAYS
Exclusive look at Sasha and Malia’s lunch menu. Dad’s day may be glum but daughter’s day is all yum!

FIRST TOILET’S FIRST 100 DAYS
Obama has more bowel movements than any president since Nixon. “The Oval Office toilet gets scrubbed 3 times a day” says an aide. “Now that’s change we can believe in.”

Ok, I made up the last one, but it is only a matter of time.

When Pigs Flew

Mad cow, bird flu, swine flu. What do all these animals have against us? Is this their revenge for our dinners, shoes and viagra? Couldn’t they just rise up in some Orwellian fashion?

Durban II 2

There is an irony in letting Mahmoud Ahmadinejad make a speech at a conference on racism. I wonder if it was lost on the delegates. Then again, the United Nations described the conference as a “shining example of what the UN is supposed to do best: unite to combat injustice in the world.” How’s that for irony?

Justice Inaction

On Wednesday the people of South Afrika will once again rubber stamp the ANC into office and elect the racist, sexist, homophobic and corrupt asshole Jacob Zuma president. I don’t like Jacob Zuma.

I don’t like him because he hates white people and that is the kind of thinking this country needs to finally be rid of. I don’t like him because he hates women. I don’t know how he can have so many wives and still think so little of women. I don’t think you can effectively rule a country if you consider half of its people inferior. I don’t like him because he advocates violence against homosexuals, unmarried pregnant women and anybody who does not fit his idea of an acceptable religious adherent. I don’t want him to be president because he is the epitome of corruption within a party that has elevated corruption to high art.

My Favourite Sedarim

The time I accidentally brought two dates. As an unwritten rule we try not to bring anybody we are not serious about. Not that anybody would mind but we like to save the real torture for those who deserve it most. I was not really serious about either of them but I was a young rebel at the time and I had completely forgotten that I’d invited one when I invited the other. It was uncomfortable for a few people, especially my dates, but I thought it was funny. This was probably my mother’s favourite seder because she got to interrogate two boys for the price of one.

Spring Cleaning

This year’s seder was pretty much like any other. My grandmother, mother and I cooked the meal. We did a wonderful job. We all took turns reading the haggadah. Most of us argued about politics, with Ria and I on one end and the men on the other. My grandfather and I drank too much. He always used to be able to drink me under the table but I think his advancing years are finally catching up with him. Soon the student will be the teacher.

Pesach

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech haO’lam shehheh chehyanu vehki yehmanu vehheganu lazman hazeh.

En kelohenu. En kadonenu. En kemalkenu. En kemoshi’enu.
Mi kelohenu. Mi kadonenu. Mi kemalkenu. Mi kemoshi’enu.
Nodeh lelohenu. Nodeh ladonenu. Nodeh lemalkenu. Nodeh lemoshi’enu.
Barukh Elohenu. Barukh Adonenu. Barukh Malkenu. Barukh Moshi’enu.
Atah hu Elohenu. Atah hu Adonenu. Atah hu Malkenu. Atah hu Moshi’enu.
Atah hu shehiqtiru abotenu, lefanekha eth qetoreth hasamim.

For King and Country

I don’t understand putting king before country. Without the country the king is just some guy yelling maniacally at people on the street. Without the king you find a new king. The country goes on. We don’t have a king but I can’t imagine anybody putting our PM above the country. The PM’s job is to serve the people. At least in theory. A no confidence vote means little to a king but it’s essentially the same job.

Hello Dalai

I like China. It is a beautiful country with interesting people. The government is not entirely bad once you push past all the paperwork. They export a lot of cheap crap but if they did not you know that India would.

Make Mine a Double, Isaac (or Greece is the Word)

The next day we arrived in Mykonos. This was more like the Greece I wanted to see. There were too many tourists but Ria and I found a way around them. While the oldsters took a bus tour of the shuffleboard museum and a pelican, Ria and I hired scooters and wandered about the island. The pelican part is not a joke. There is actually a famous pelican that people go to see. Ria and I did not see any pelicans but we found a great little beach. I think Mr Ya’acov would have had a heart attack had he gone with us. All those bare young bodies would have put him over the edge. Ria is not as textile liberated as I am but you know what they say. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When on a Greek beach, take off your clothes.

Durban II: The Reckoning

It is ironic that an international conference on racism and xenophobia can’t succeed because the participants are too racist and xenophobic. Instead of coming into it with an open mind to discuss these problems, too many of them have an agenda of hate against some other country or ethnic group. If they are only looking to criticise one group or another while considering themselves sacrosanct then what is the point?

Happiness is a Warm Gun

So if there is no correlation between gun ownership and gun crime then what is the problem? I think it is more cultural than anything else. Even if Chinese people had guns they would not think about using them to resolve disputes. Saving face is very important to the Chinese and anybody who goes into a school and starts shooting at people definitely loses face. That is a lot worse than speaking out of turn. Americans on the other hand have a long history of settling disputes with violence. If they did not have guns there would probably be a lot of school stabbings. In fact, I think there already are.

They are fairly useless for self defence unless they happen to be in my hand. If somebody wants to rob me at the target range then they are in trouble. If somebody breaks into my house then I will confront them immediately rather than go get a gun, take it out of its case, load it and then confront the intruder, all the while hoping he was waiting around for me to get ready. If I happen to stumble into a terrorist situation and I’m armed for some reason and the terrorist is in my line of sight and I have a clear shot then yes I will take the gun out and aim for a head shot. But how often are all of those criteria met? It has never happened to me so far.

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Andy Kaufman

On 20 July 1969 mankind penetrated the maidenhead of outer space and came on the moon. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin fertilised the surface of the moon while Armstrong moaned “That’s one small step for a man. And when I say small step I’m of course referring to my diminutive penis”. And like all men, they left a big mess.

Or did they?

We all saw Capricorn One where Sam Waterston and Barbra Streisand’s husband tried to convince everybody that Elvis is dead.

Or did we?

Americans often claim they invented democracy and freedom. This is false. France or Greece invented democracy and African and Pacific Island countries where women could walk around bare chested invented freedom. But one thing history and the truth can never take away from America is that they put a man on the moon. They are the first, and so far only, country to ever accomplish something that is really pretty impressive when you consider the primitive technology of the day. I think this is their greatest achievement.

Ironically, Neil Armstrong’s original line was supposed to be “Here I come to save the day”.

All Roads Lead to Home

My conscience has always been my family. I can’t bring myself to do anything I can’t tell my mother or grandmother about. When I was a child I quickly learned that anything I did would come back to my parents. Most of my education was at boarding schools and they told my parents everything, my test scores, what I ate, who my friends were, who I teased mercilessly.

When my parents left for Israel I had more freedom than most of my friends but the school officials still reported to my parents. When a friend was caught smoking on campus I had to assure them that I was not involved. My parents were 7000km away but I was still afraid to smoke because I knew I would have to face them sooner or later. Disappointing my father was always a worse fate than not looking cool to my peers.

The Good Shepherd

Mr Bishara is one of those really great people most of the world will never know about. He never wanted to be rich and famous. He was not at his bakery until something better came along. Baking bread is what he loved to do. He always took pride in his work no matter how small the task and that is why his bread was so good. It is amazing to me how many people don’t take pride in their work. So many people are waiting for something else. They will start to really live once they win lots of money in a contest.

I was talking to a friend the other day who is usually upset that she can’t find the right man. She is sure that once she finds him her life can begin. I keep telling her that her life began a long time ago. This is it. This is your life right now. People who wait around for their life to start are always surprised when they are old and it is almost over. There is a Pink Floyd song about that but I don’t remember which one right now.

This Isn’t Florida

A coalition with Kadima would be more balanced but Livni has completely rejected the idea. Netanyahu has little choice but to bring in more conservative parties. This is bad news for Palestine, uncertainty for security and who knows how it will affect the economy.

Six weeks and counting. Let the games begin.

Movin’ Out

This is what I don’t understand. If you are going to move to another country what is the point in trying to find one that is just like your old country? It is one thing if you are moving to avoid persecution, but if you are moving abroad to experience a different life, why pick a place that is similar to your old life? Moving from the United States to Canada is like moving from Australia to New Zealand. You have to change your phone number but it is not going to change your perspective on the world at large.

Gaza Q&A

Why doesn’t Israel just pull out of Palestine and leave them alone?

That is an easy one. Israel will leave when the Palestinian Authority disarms their terrorists. The Palestinian Authority will disarm their terrorists when Israel pulls out. Somewhere along the line somebody is going to have to compromise. So far Israel has made many concessions while Palestine has made none. Each time Israel gives away more land the response has been more violence.

Israel does not want to control Palestine. Palestine has been the bane of Israel’s existence for 60 years. By being “the occupier” Israel is obligated to provide electricity, food and water. Without Israel’s economic assistance Palestine would have starved decades ago. Their Arab neighbours are not interested.

Palestine was offered sovereignty in 1947 but the Arab League refused. Israel practically begged Jordan to take over Palestine in 1968 but they refused. Israel offered to leave Gaza and almost all of the West Bank in 2000 but Palestine refused. Arab countries seem to think that it is more advantageous for them to leave Palestine as an occupied state. And it is. There is a reason all those Palestinian refugees in camps have never been integrated into those countries’ societies. Since 1948 only Jordan has ever made any Palestinian refugees citizens of its country.

It is not a control issue. When Israel gave Sinai back to Egypt they were happy and there was peace. When Israel gave part of Golan back to Syria they were not happy but there was peace. Every time Israel gives some land to Palestine there is more violence. As soon as Israel pulled out of Gaza, Hamas took over and terrorism escalated. If history is any indication, pulling out of the entire West Bank would lead to a bloodbath.

And I Think It’s Gonna Be a Long Long Time

Obviously I am biased. I’m an Israeli citizen. I serve in the IDF. I want my side to win. But I don’t think it is an issue of Jews versus Muslims or Israelis versus Arabs. It is extremists versus moderates.

None of the Palestinians I know have any problems with Israel. They simply want their country to have a sovereign government recognised by the international community. I think that is what most Israelis want also. From my point of view the biggest obstacle to this is terrorist activity against Israel.

The worst thing Israeli extremists want are more settlements in Palestine. While Israeli settlements do not help, they also do not cause the deaths of innocent children. The worst thing Palestinian extremists want is the death of every last Israeli man, woman and child. I’m biased but I think killing all Israelis is much worse than building houses in Palestine.

In the propaganda war on TV and the internet between Israel and Hamas I have heard too much about who is right and who is wrong, who did what bad things to whom. Everybody is convinced they are right and as usual the people who suffer the most are the children. Not a single Israeli or Palestinian child chose this. They don’t care about what happened in 1967 or 1948 or 1500 years ago. The children of Israel and Palestine are being killed because their fathers and grandfathers can’t get over the past and live by the rules all children learn in the playground: Every other child is a potential friend if you share and play nice.

Election Day

There have been some complaints about how ugly the campaign has been but it is pretty tame compared to some other countries. We just cannot compete with the personal attacks in the American and Zimbabwean elections. Those people accuse each other of the worst things they can imagine. And unlike recent elections in Palestine and Zimbabwe, none of our candidates have been tortured or killed. Not so much as a beating. This election has been pretty boring.

Cooking Corner: Sourdough Pizza

In a hurry? Starving? Really lazy? If you don’t bake the bread yourself the whole thing takes about ten minutes. Sometimes I will bake my own bread but I’m more a cook than baker. For today’s lesson we are using bread baked by professionals downstairs.

The Dating Game: Horror Stories II

I had thought Jerry was going to make dinner but it turned out his mother did. When we all sat down at the dinning room table she asked me if I liked pork chops. I told her I was Jewish and the look on her face was exactly how people look when told they only have six months to live. I assume. Jerry’s father mentioned that I don’t look Jewish and his mother hushed him. Literally. This is a common remark amongst Americans, as if all Jewish people have some look about them. I know where it comes from but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they do not.

Having a Jew in their house really killed the mood and the beginning of dinner was pretty quiet. Timmy or Tommy or whatever his name was asked me if I knew that it was the Jews who killed Jesus and his mother quickly escorted him out of the room for a quick talk. The father reassuringly announced that Jesus was Jewish and I mentioned that Sigmund Freud was as well. I wonder what Freud would say about that.

新年快樂

下週一是農曆春節，在中國稱作為春節或農曆春節。在中國以外的區域稱為中國人的新年。不論你如何稱呼它，它開始於中國農民曆的第一天，不同於穆斯林與希伯來人的月曆，這個假期開始於農民曆的第一天，結束於農曆十五，最後一天就是元宵節，但是不同國家的中國人通常只慶祝剛開始的前幾天。

對於年代的排序取決於你和誰談論，新年開始慶祝於4706年或4646年。在中國的部分地區稱為民國98年(像是台灣)，年代的開始主要是因為朝代的替換，新朝代的開始就稱為元年，清朝是最後一個帝王統治的朝代，它結束於西元1911年，中華民國開始於西元1912年，近年多數的中國人開始使用羅馬的曆法而稱為西元2009年，不論你使用那種曆法(農民曆或是西洋曆)，它即將由中國生肖的鼠年到今年的牛年。

在節慶的開始，家家戶戶會開始清掃門戶(又稱做大掃除)並貼上新的春聯。紅色在中國傳統是非常幸運的顏色，它也象徵了吉祥與喜樂。在春節期間，人們會用紅包裝入壓歲錢給年輕的成員。雖然到後來錢都花到7-11買東西，但裝了錢的紅包可以驅走不好的事情。單數(1.3.5.7.9)在中國人的眼中代表不吉利，雙數(2.6.8.10)就代表好事，所以中國人常說「好事成雙」。除了數字4對中國人來說代表不吉利外，因為發音與「死」相近。大部分的中國人喜歡「6」代表「六六大順」、「8」與「發」的發音表示「發財」與「賺大錢」。小孩常常會說些吉祥話向是「恭喜發財」、「新年快樂」，雙手環抱鞠躬來拿取紅包，當長輩看到小孩可愛的模樣，很難說「不」。

星期天就是農曆除夕(又稱大年夜)，所有家中的成員會一起吃年夜飯(又稱圍爐)。年菜中一定會有鱼(象徵著年年有餘)、油角、年糕、羅漢齋等象徵著繁榮興旺。年夜飯也是一年當中最重要的一頓晚餐，傳統的習俗家人會再吃完年夜飯後到廟裡燒香祈求未來的一年平安順遂，但這幾年比較受歡迎的是除夕的跨年守歲活動。有些家庭在初一的早上會吃水餃，因為水餃的形狀和古時候的錢「元寶」相似，象徵著新的一年衣食無缺，有些家庭甚至會在水餃中包入新的硬幣，當你吃到包了錢幣的水餃會帶給你一年的好運。

在大年初一人們會去向家中的長輩拜年，有時需要長途跋涉或是搭乘大眾交通工具像是火車。去年中國遇到非常大的暴風雪，影響到上百萬人的返鄉之路。這天也是舞龍、舞獅與鞭炮聲齊鳴的時刻，比較大的城市像是北京和香港更將這種表演當成公眾的演出。農曆的初二也就是回娘家，這天所有出嫁的女兒，會從夫家返回家中探視他們的雙親或是祖父母。對少數人而言，這幾天需要花額外的時間返家探親與拜年。

經過三到四天的假期，大部分的人在農曆初五會回到工作崗位。但是過節的氣氛還是延續，人們還是會吃特別的食物與放鞭炮(煙火)。但相對的就比較少去跟親戚拜年。

農曆春節的第15天就是元宵節，這一天到處充滿著燈籠，公園與大眾場所也會掛滿著紅色的燈籠。也有大的展示會場展示各式各樣精刁細琢的花燈，小孩子則會提著小燈籠玩耍。也有一種稱為湯圓(裡面包著各種餡料，像是紅豆、芝麻、花生或是鮮肉)，人們會在燈光與花燈籠罩的氣氛下享用湯圓。

新年快樂。

Happy Birthday Ria

Tomorrow my baby sister turns 28. Not so much a baby anymore. Sorry, Mother.

Full Moon Over Gaza

I don’t think it is technically a full moon, but there it is.

9 January 1974

Earlier in the day it was just us sisters. We went shopping because that’s what Dara wanted to do. I don’t really like shopping much and shopping with my sisters can be draining. When I shop I go where I need to go, buy what I need to buy and go home. When the four of us are together it can take hours just to look at shoes. But I like to spend time with them and if they want to go shopping I’ll go along. I’ve made them do what I wanted to do plenty of times.

She would not want me to say but she is now 35 years old. She is so far over the hill that it is behind her. Next year instead of shopping we are comparing nursing homes.

2008: It’s the End of the World As We Know It and I Feel Fine

My nephew Yoel had his bar mitzvah simcha. Mazel tov. I went to China for a little over a month. I visited friends in 安徽 , 江蘇 , 雲林 , and one of my favourite cities in the world 上海 . Paul McCartney came to Israel for the first and last time and I saw him in concert. Rock on. I dumped 2 boyfriends, 1 because of a stupid argument that highlighted a major flaw in our relationship and 1 because we simply weren’t compatible. I lost another boyfriend after he proposed marriage. I didn’t want to marry him and there wasn’t any going back at that point. More fish in the pond for me. I passed 1000 hours PIC in the 206. That brings me closer to my highest average in the 212. I like them both but the 206 is my favourite.

Why Don’t We Do It in the Road

I asked him who sang “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. He said Paul. Then John. Then George. I asked him who played lead guitar. He was sure it was a trick question so he said John. When I told him it was Eric Clapton he said, “I didn't know he was in the Beatles?”

Is it any wonder I dumped the guy?

Happy Solar New Year

For those of you who use the solar calendar. The rest of us [Hebrew, Arab, Chinese and many Asian and African cultures] will do our lunar new year at other times.

Chappy Chanukkah

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh haolam, sheasa nisim laavoteinu bayamim haheim baz’man haze.

If you're into that sort of thing.

Christmas vs Hanukkah

In some countries people actually get offended if you say “Happy Christmas” because it excludes other festivals. To me this is absurd. You don’t have to include us in your important day because we have our own important days. Quite honestly, I’ve never wished somebody a happy Columbus Day just to include them in our celebration. They’d likely think that was absurd too. When I lived in America I was never offended by people who said “Happy Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”. Christmas was the day they were celebrating.

Happy Christmas

If you're into that sort of thing.

No Comment

It seems I accidentally disabled comments. So if you tried to post one and couldn’t, that’s why. It’s nothing personal.

Mea culpa.

It’s all fixed now so to all my devoted fans out there, post away. Both of you.

John Lennon

I’ve always liked all kinds of music. I’d be just as comfortable at a free-style rap competition as in a smoke-filled jazz club. That’s to say I’d be equally uncomfortable in both. I like the music but I don’t like cigarette smoke or spontaneous stabbings.

Interview with My Grandmother

Yom huledet same'ach. Ani ohevet otach.

How To Have Cyber Sex

[Warning: Don't read this if you're my mother.]


Gandolf419: What do you look like?

swtNsXy_18: im tall n thin blond hair 36D-24-36 wearing a pink tank top black micro shorts n hi heels what u look like?

Gandolf419: I’m 5’3”, 290lbs, balding, hairy back, coke bottle glasses. I’m wearing khaki shorts I got from Sears in 1988 and a Kiss t-shirt with sweat stains down the sides.

Gandolf419: Where are you now?

swtNsXy_18: im all alone in my room im so lonely where u at?

Gandolf419: I’m in my studio apartment overlooking the repo yard. My room smells like old tuna fish and socks.

swtNsXy_18: ur funny :)

Gandolf419: You are who you eat.

swtNsXy_18: u like vegtables?

Gandolf419: You mean gardening?

swtNsXy_18: u can say that sorta

swtNsXy_18: u wanna get sexxy with vegtables?

Gandolf419: I’d love to.

Gandolf419: I bend you over to harvest your crops.

swtNsXy_18: mmm nice

Gandolf419: I watch as you water your pumpkin patch.

Gandolf419: Can you handle my plow?

swtNsXy_18: um ok

Gandolf419: It’s a really big plow.

swtNsXy_18: how big?

Gandolf419: John Deere.

Gandolf419: At least a 10 footer.

swtNsXy_18: wow that IS big what u gonna do with that plow?

Gandolf419: I’m going to plant lettuce and cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

Gandolf419: Maybe some cauliflower.

swtNsXy_18: i was thinking like sex things with vegtabels

swtNsXy_18: can u b more sexxy?

Gandolf419: Anything for you, my sweet.

Gandolf419: I caress your lettuce as you massage my brussel sprouts.

Gandolf419: I start to gently lick the tip of your spinach.

swtNsXy_18: spinach dont turn me on im thinking like cucumers n shit

Gandolf419: I rub your cucumbers all over my cabbage.

swtNsXy_18: ur suposed to b the 1 with the cucumer r u a chick?

Gandolf419: I assure you, my dear, I’m all man.

swtNsXy_18: then get sexxy

Gandolf419: Maybe gardening isn’t for me.

Gandolf419: How about a little role play?

swtNsXy_18: ok sounds gd

Gandolf419: What do you want to be?

swtNsXy_18: ima yung n inicent skool gurl

Gandolf419: I’m a bull elephant. Strong, hung and smelling of stale urine and week-old crusted dung.

swtNsXy_18: opps i think i dropped my back pack

swtNsXy_18: lol hu?

Gandolf419: I stomp the ground and flap my ears. You’ve invaded my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i bend over 2 pick it up

Gandolf419: I spray musky urine all over the place to mark my territory.

swtNsXy_18: i start 2 unzip ur pants

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t wear pants.

swtNsXy_18: ur not a elepaphant that’s the game

Gandolf419: Elephants don’t play games. We stampede your ass.

swtNsXy_18: b serius

Gandolf419: My dear, few things are more serious than a bull elephant stampeding your ass.

swtNsXy_18: u like anal?

Gandolf419: With a mighty roar of my trunk I stampede. You are caught helpless under my towering frame. The last thing you see before you slump into unconsciousness are my huge legs crashing down upon you.

swtNsXy_18: this isnt sexxy

Gandolf419: I’m hard.

Gandolf419: Elephant hard.

Gandolf419: Spank me and call me Dumbo.

swtNsXy_18: u like bein spanked?

Gandolf419: I’d rather dominate you.

swtNsXy_18: ok i like that tell me what to do

Gandolf419: Lay down on the floor. I put on my enchanted robe.

swtNsXy_18: ok im down on the floor

Gandolf419: Now spread your arms and legs out wide.

swtNsXy_18: mmm yea im spread real wide 4 u

Gandolf419: I need my hat of wonderment.

swtNsXy_18: u want me 2 take my close off 4 u?

Gandolf419: No need.

swtNsXy_18: or r u gonna do it?

Gandolf419: I cast an Ergon Level 3 metabolic spell on you. Suddenly you’re a beautiful woman.

swtNsXy_18: hu?

swtNsXy_18: HEY!

Gandolf419: Calling out to the Inner Sanctum Demons of Tra’anfar I cast a Level 100 erospell on you.

swtNsXy_18: what?

Gandolf419: I invoke the wrath of Aeor the Magnificent and transform your vagina into an open realm of intergalactic transportation.

swtNsXy_18: this is stupit

Gandolf419: Sensing that this is a great task before me I pull the reserve Ambillant Orb from my robe and cast a Level 500 spell of Orisis on you.

swtNsXy_18: ur the worst cyber partner ever

Gandolf419: Silence, mortal!

Gandolf419: I cast a Level 1,000 spell of the Dammed and drain your lifeforce into my golden chalice. Your empty shell body withers and turns to dust.

Gandolf419: I call on the mighty forces of Wilton to blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth and beyond.

swtNsXy_18: dont ever pm me agin u loozer

Gandolf419: Mind control robots enter the room and try to steal my magic robe but they don’t know I have the Amulet of Adar.

Gandolf419: The robots want to have sex with your charred clothes, but I intervene and protect your honor. I cast a Force of Plenty spell on them and they morph into wood nymphs.

Gandolf419: General Washington rides into the room on a tall white steed and bequeaths on me a medal for my bravery. I’m Time’s Man of the year.

Gandolf419: I’m gonna cum.

The Dating Game: Horror Stories

When he finished his esophagial emancipation proclamation he stood up, did a few stretches and asked me if I was ready to go on. I was. I was ready to go on home. In trying to impress me or himself or somebody he only disgusted me. Even if he hadn’t gorged himself at lunch I wouldn’t have been impressed by his running abilities. Lots of people can run farther and faster than me. So what? That’s not going to get you into my bed. By eating the way he did he only showed me that he doesn’t think things through. By refusing my suggestions and assistance every step of the way he told me that he wasn’t interested in my input. None of this is really the impression you should want to make on a first date.

And letting your lunch roam free in the great outdoors doesn’t help either.

So a Priest Enters a School...

Priest gets probation for jogging nude at track

20 November 2008

Greeley, Colorado, USA. (AP) — A Catholic priest convicted of indecent exposure for jogging naked around a track at a high school has been sentenced to five years probation.

Rev. Robert Whipkey must also complete 100 hours of community service and register as a sex offender under the sentence handed down Thursday in Weld County District Court.

The Denver archdiocese said Whipkey, of Frederick, was placed on leave last year. He officiated at parishes in Frederick, Mead and Erie. He was arrested about an hour before sunrise on June 22, 2007.

Dressed in a blue shirt and slacks, Whipkey told Judge Timothy Kerns that the conviction has ruined his life and that he is unemployed.

Where Do I Stand Politically?

That’s a good question. The answer depends whose definitions you use.

In South Afrika I was considered radically liberal by the whites because I vehemently opposed apartheid.

In America I couldn’t be liberal because I oppose abortion but I couldn’t be conservative because I oppose capital punishment.

In China I was ultra-conservative because I’m not all that keen on communism. Some of it sounds good on paper but there’s never been a communist country that wasn’t a dictatorship.

In Israel I’m considered liberal because of my views on Palestine. The fact that I call it Palestine tells you something.

Does that answer your question?

...Or to Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles

AH-1 Tzefa
© Bell Helicopter

Home for at least 1 more year

Joke of the Day

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A finite number. One to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

Der Körper und das Fleisch

[Warning: This post contains 2 graphic images. One is from a movie. It’s fake. Mostly makeup and rubber. It’s not real. The other is from a public execution. It’s not visually graphic but some may find it disturbing anyway. Otherwise everything else is safe for all ages in my opinion.]


Acceptable for all audiences

Restricted

Legal

Illegal

Decent

Indecent

Beachwear around the world
Switzerland

Israel

South Afrika

China

Saudi Arabia

All pictures above are probably under copyright but I’m not going to bother finding out who owns what. The film stills are from Tokyo zankoku keisatsu (© Fever Dreams) and American Beauty (© DreamWorks).

Party Politics and You

The party banners
(right to left, because that’s how we do it in Hebrew)
Ra’am, Gil, Hadash, Balad
Yisrael Beiteinu, HaIhud HaLeumi, Yahadut HaTorah HaMeukhedet, Meretz-Yachad
Kadima, Avoda, Likud, Shas

The Big Election

I’ve been following the endless circus of the American presidential election the way somebody’s fascinated with the aftermath of a 12-car pile-up on the highway. But now I’ve bigger fish to fry.

Why I’m Not a Nudist

[April 2013 note: This was always one of the most popular posts. I almost feel bad about deleting it. I suppose people who want to read it could always buy the book. No pre$$ure.]


A quiet, undisclosed location

Yoel the Bar Mitzvah

Papa and I at my bat mitzvah simcha

God Versus G-d

Hey, Mia. Why do you say God and not G-d? I thought Jews are not supposed to write out “God”.

I’m glad you asked. Jews are indeed not supposed to write “God” on paper because it can be torn, burnt or mutilated. This does not apply to blogs. Even if you set your computer on fire, God will still appear on mine. You could even say the word God was never really there at all. As far as my computer is concerned, I typed 10010010101001.

Dave and the Typhoons

Can’t he just have classes in the church, you ask. Have you ever been inside a Christian church? It is good for a lecture hall but a terrible place to hold several classes simultaneously. Chinese students, especially children, are easily distracted when taking a class as foreign as English. You need all those little rooms to keep their eyes on the lesson. If the class next door were not divided by a wall they would never pay attention to the teacher.


Nasa images of category 2, 4 and 5 typhoons


Dave’s church, RIP
The building on the right was the school

Atoned

I’m sure I was a difficult teenager. I broke my mother’s heart more times than I want to remember. Where my older sisters were proper young ladies who crossed their ankles when they sat and wore white gloves into town I rebelled against almost anything. I was Johnny Strabler, they were Meg and Beth. Ria was torn between emulating the wild one and the little women.

Sometimes I joke about my mother being a pain in the tuchas. Sometimes she is. Sometimes I’m a pain to her. We still love each other. We always have and always will. She’s my mother and I’m her daughter.

Sarah Palin

Is Palin experienced enough to be vice president? That’s ironic when Obama supporters ask. Does she have any foreign policy experience? Did Reagan, Carter, Clinton or Bush have any? Maybe Bush is a bad example. Why doesn’t she do interviews? Frankly I’m glad she doesn’t. I see enough of these people already.

Would I vote for her? No, I’d vote for one of the presidential candidates. I don’t think the vice presidential candidate is that important. People say McCain’s old so she could become president. That’s as insulting as saying Obama’s black so Biden could become president. They’re both true but why is it ok to say an old guy in good health could drop dead at any time but it’s bad to say a black president might be assassinated in such a divisive country?

Poor Joe Biden. Nobody talks about him.

Happy New Year

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem. L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi.

Rosh Hashanah and the Yamim Noraim begin at sunset today.

Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

Requiescat in Pace

Another great actor gone.

Martin Ritt’s The Long, Hot Summer, Paris Blues, Hud, The Outrage, Hombre
Stuart Rosenberg’s Cool Hand Luke, Pocket Money, The Drowning Pool
Richard Brooks’ Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, Sweet Bird of Youth
Robert Altman’s Buffalo Bill and the Indians, Quintet
John Huston’s The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, The Mackintosh Man
George Roy Hill’s Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Sting
Alfred Hitchcock’s Torn Curtain
James Ivory’s Mr and Mrs Bridge
Sidney Pollack’s Absence of Malice
Sam Mendes’ Road to Perdition
Daniel Petrie’s Fort Apache, the Bronx
Robert Rossen’s The Hustler
Otto Preminger’s Exodus
Robert Wise’s Somebody Up There Likes Me
Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict
Joel and Ethan Coen’s The Hudsucker Proxy
Robert Benton’s Nobody’s Fool, Twilight
Martin Scorcese’s The Color of Money
Leo McCarey’s Rally Round the Flag, Boys
Roland Joffe’s Fat Man and Little Boy
Luis Mendoki’s Message in a Bottle
and Newman’s own Sometimes a Great Notion, Harry and Son.

What else is there to say?

Paul McCartney in Israel

Paul and I arrived in Israel close to each other. More so by time than space. He came on a private jet. I came packed into a 747 with 200 other people. You can fly from London to Tel Aviv directly in about five hours. Shanghai to Tel Aviv is about 18 hours with a connection in Bangkok. He checked into several floors of an overpriced seafront hotel. I went home to my apartment facing the mountains. He made a few tourist stops. I went to sleep.

Then came the sound checks. I was walking through Ganei Yehoshua and I heard Paul tell me to get back. I was confused. This is my park. I live here. And why is he singing his warning? Stop calling me Jo Jo.

There is something surreal about walking through your local park and hearing Paul McCartney sing a few songs with his band. It is not that common to hear from a CD player but far less so to hear it from Paul himself. I would have gone closer to have a look but large men with automatic weapons suggested I not. Still it was a nice little show and I heard it for free. I did not get to see anything but neither did the people who paid for the overpriced seats at the later show itself.

Cunning Linguists

Some would say Jie Yi speaks two languages, 中文 [Chinese] and 英語 [English]. She would say she speaks four, 官話 [Mandarin], 吳語 [Wu], 徽語 [Hui] and 英語 [English]. This is where it gets interesting, to me at least. I can recognise how this might be very boring to some. If 中文 is a language then 官話 and 吳語 are dialects. If 中文 is really a linguistic group then 官話 and 吳語 are languages. No matter how you want to classify these things 徽語 is really a dialect of 吳語. It’s like calling 美語 and 英語 different languages. They are but they’re really not.

I’m undecided. If they’re all really dialects then why do each of them have their own dialects? And why do they sound so different? Somebody speaking 官話 might not recognise somebody speaking 吳語. But if they’re really different languages then why do they all have the same written language for the most part? If you can read 中文 then you can read 官話, 吳語, 徽語.

Civil Obedience

From my point of view I have 2 homelands. Israel, land of my ancestors, a few thousand years ago. And South Afrika, land of my birth, more recently. Both are losing their leaders.

Things can only get better in Israel. South Africa is in for tough times ahead.